Boys and Education

     Boys are really active learners. They learn best while being able to move about as freely as they want. Therefore, I found that,  for my boys, that public schools are not the best venue for them to be learning in. Being constricted into a seat for hours on end is like a slow death for them, causing boys usually to become very bored, and to behave in ways that are antisocial and unacceptable.

     The male mind is also different. One of these is that the male mind is compartmentalized. That means, they seem to have a series of pigeon holes in their brain, and each significant thing in there is sorted, filed, indexed and put safely away where it won't get mixed up with other information in the other pigeon holes. Girls, on the other hand, have a pile of information that is mixed up with all of the other information, collated and cross-indexed with previous information. Girls form relationships between incoming information and past information much easier than boys do, especially when that information is not directly related to the previous information. Boys eventually catch up with girls on this, but every wife can tell you, men still keep their compartments to a certain extent. For example, they may remember that you like red roses, but can't figure out if you would also like a yellow or pink rose, if they have never specifically asked you that before. To a woman, a rose is a rose, usually, and we're just happy to have a man give us one. This compartmentalization makes it difficult for younger males to follow more than one instruction at a time-a major test failure, by public school standards.

     The male mind also seems to run on a sort of binary system-in fact, I believe that the binary system was invented because it was so like a man's way of thinking. Their general thinking is either Yes or No. For example, if he can't remember if you ONLY like red roses and will be mad if he brings home any other color of rose, he will choose NO roses. Cheaper for him, and no trouble with you. The old saying used to be "If you can't fix it, f... it". This is an example of how the male mind operates. This can make teaching a boy difficult, because new information must at first be related to old information, and he must be able to know what this then can apply to, afterward. It can be exhausting for teacher and student, alike. Public schools rarely have the time to cater to this need.

     This is also why you find abusive husbands killing their wives-"If I can't have her, no one else will." In other words, if I can't fix it, throw it all away and be done with it. It should not even exist. Yes or No. This is yet another reason that teaching reasoning skills, compassion and fostering a boy's healthy sense of self is vitally important.

     The male mind is also focused on the path of least resistance (and energy expenditure). As in the above example, the choice to not buy any rose at all included the notion that there would be less energy expenditure, less spending of cash. Men rarely do anything requiring large amounts of innovation or energy unless they are personally fascinated by it, or a woman is making them do it. Otherwise, they are happy just "being". The best example is the old joke of the man who had a hole in his roof, and wouldn't fix it while the sun was shining because it only was a problem when it was raining. This is exactly how a man thinks. There are those men who try to fix everything and everyone, but you can talk to them for a few minutes-and find the thing driving them is some sort of trauma, where their confused little boy mind was berated for forgetting a detail or not being able to recall a detail-and forced him forever to try to be the best in the herd. It is hard to be a boy. Never forget that. People are relying on you when you are barely able to even formulate your own ideas. There is the constant pressure to know what to do, in every situation, even from an early age. As a direct example of Daddy's manliness, you must do what it takes to appear manly, too. Even if you think it is stupid. Or, in fact, it really is stupid.

     The public education system was historically designed to take immigrant children and mold them into "Americans", with the morals, values, and common knowledge familiar to all other Americans. This system has always been used to experiment with new ideologies and social movements, and input from parents (taxpayers) is not taken seriously at all. No one gets to vote or approve of this, only a school board which might somewhere be benefitting financially from the new material.  The offshoot of public education, the parochial system, was devised in part because American society did not always greet certain immigrants with open arms. For example, in several school districts, Catholic or Irish immigrant children could not attend school in peace, if at all. Its first incarnation, before the nation was totally overtaken by Americans, was the Reservation Schools. Native American children were taken from their parents, forced into European-style clothing and ways, and made to live in boarding schools run usually by the Catholic church. This was the effort to "civilize" children, and it put a permanent break between Native American children and their families, even if the child went back home-they were forever different, and family cultures were destroyed, in the name of "Americanizing" children.  Black children were given poor excuses for schools and education. Children from diverse religious backgrounds found, during the time that prayer was no longer allowed in school, their religious upbringing was being attacked, albeit in a banal and non-aggressive manner. This was supported by the Federal Government. Many religious groups saw fit to make their own school systems-Lutherans, for example, have their own educational systems, as do many other religions. It is still a fact that schools in poorer areas are still not fit for educating children effectively. With the teachers union, it is almost impossible to get a bad teacher fired for lacking performance. Bad results in students are blamed on poor or uneducated parents-which is an all too easy scapegoat for lazy teachers and bad school districts. Parents who choose not to avail themselves of these types of schools can also choose home schooling.

     For my younger sons, I eventually chose homeschooling, learning without pressure. With homeschooling, a boy can move around as he wants; he can sit on the nice soft sofa or the hard study table chair. I do not have to have him sit in a certain place, in a certain way, for him to learn most effectively. For my youngest son, he learned the alphabet song by singing while bouncing a ball. Natural science is best learned by being outdoors and using all of your senses while learning. We can have many deep conversations, molding values and behaviors while learning other subjects as well. We can study our Bible or read The Onion, depending on what we feel like learning that day, and neither is banned by law or common consent. I can monitor what he is learning, and he can learn in peace without worrying whether he fits in, or if good grades will result in his being bullied. No one cares what he's wearing, and he is not being judged three thousand times a day. The best part: when he is tired, or needs to focus on a subject, he can-he is a man in charge of his world.

     For difficult subjects that require focus, my son has one of those Fidget toys, and he "fidgets" while I explain the subject. For women, we think if he is doing something with his hands at the same time as I am teaching, that means he is not paying attention. This is not so-it seems to help file the information inside of his brain far better than sitting quietly and focusing.

     A word about clothing-for publicly educated boys, stylish clothes are even more important for boys than they are for girls-boys being so totally focused on their status in the herd. Parents must monitor them especially closely, because a boy's clothes can indicate everything about them including gang affiliation. The boy's endless desire to be the "biggest" or "most" can make them do stupid things, so know your gang stuff and listen if someone else tells you your boy is headed the wrong way. Ultimately, he is doing what he does because he wants to be important.

     It is important, too, in the compartmented male mind, to make sure they have school clothes and home clothes. When you get them fully socialized to think this way, they will be more prepared for learning with their learning clothes on, and ready to relax with their home clothes on. This is true also for homeschooled kids-you really can't learn in your jammies all day, unless you are doing research on how to take naps all day long. You really have to change clothing and put on your shoes in order to have your brain prepared for learning. You will note, if you have ever worked in an office with "Casual Fridays" that people really don't accomplish a lot on those days, nor are their "business manners" apparent. They are often clowning days, flirting days, but not really "business" days.  That is how compartmentalized the male mind is.

     Boys in general have an odd sort of way of learning. When they have really been learning for a half hour or so, they need at least another half hour off of learning to sort out and "file" the new learning in their heads. This is the case whether your boy is super-smart or of average intelligence. The male mind seems to have a need to compartmentalize new information, to bounce it off of old information, and to store it where his mind can retrieve it later. In our homeschool, we have a half hour of learning, and then another half hour of resting, if the learning has been intense. That way, a boy can effectively retain what he has learned, and figure out how to use it later. I am convinced that a lot of problems boys have in schools is based on their being unable to move around or rest as they need to. In the older grades, students are forced to run from class to class under time pressure, and for most schools, there is no rest period or breaks for them during the day, unless it is study hall-again, in a room that has to be quiet and students are unable to move around freely. The schools say they are preparing students for work, but in most jobs, you are allowed a break twice a day, legally. It seems like children are being more prepared for slave labor than modern day jobs!

     People worry excessively before starting homeschooling about how their children will be "socialized" without a classroom full of kids to socialize with. First of all, ask yourself how many people you socialize with throughout all of your days-I'll bet it's not many! Then, ask yourself who your child socializes with outside of school-probably not that many, either. Children are first socialized at home-if you talk to your child, your child is socialized. If you have a friend or relative to talk to your child, your child is socialized. If you have neighbors, your child is socialized. I believe the contempt modern children have for elderly and handicapped people comes directly from the children being exposed only to people of their own age group every single day of their lives. They might gain some socialization from being on sports teams, but then they are still only with their own group, are actually pitted against another group, and are only exposed to one adult as coach. I don't feel the team sports kids have any better social skills than a child who has been home-raised. The worst case for student athletes is that they develop a bit of an ego problem, which turns others far away from them. I don't feel, at the end of the day, that a room full of fourteen year olds is exactly what another fourteen year old really needs in order to become fully mature adults. They need a variety of interaction, a lot of that with a sensible adult to guide them until they can guide themselves. For teen-age interaction, in this era of Facebook, cell phones and XBox, there is litte worry that your child will grow up as a social freak!

     Children who are publicly educated also have problems with authority. This is a direct fault of the public education system. Children who have seven or eight authorith figures every day soon learn to disrespect authority-because they easily learn to get around each and every one of those figures-since they are never going to all be on the exact same page with each other every day. One authority figure is far more intimidating and controlling. Unfortunately, the public schools are up to police officers walking the halls, when what is needed is less authority, not more. But then people would be fired, so the union can't have that....

     I eventually sent two of my partially homeschooled boys back into the school system for high school. Almost immediately, they forgot they were there for the learning, and went right into socialization exclusively, because there were WOMEN available all of a sudden. I didn't want to send mine into public school, but there were classes and sports that they were interested in. In my area, schools are told they must allow homeschooled students to enroll in sports or whatever, but the individual schools themselves, publicly funded by taxpayers (and homeschoolers pay taxes, too) generally refuse to allow kids to participate-even if the parents have paid for the uniforms and everything. This divorce between home educators and the public system indicates someone is maybe threatened by home educators-we certainly hold no ill will against the public school system, we merely want our kids taught for the most part in our own way, and certain sports are only available in the public school system. Yet, the school system chooses to yank the kids in between like it's got bad visitation rights-and it doesn't operate in the best interests of the child. It would be nice if they could form a more co-operative relationship with parents, but it seems to be becoming more and more antagonistic every day. Fortunately, in homeschool-dense areas, homeschoolers are being given more and more opportunities, by the formation of sports teams, clubs and groups, if your child is interested. Child Psychologist John Rosemond advocates against team sports for kids, because he believes it is actually detrimental to the family-with all that financial sacrifice and road time, little is left for the family to use as a unit. I have to say, I agree with him. Remember, your kids belong to you! Family is the most important team your child will ever be on-because he's going to have to know how to run one himself, some day.

    Another reason why I homeschool (and, believe me, there are many) is because my older sons were discouraged from working harder or reading ahead of the rest of the class in school. Since I am tired of America's apparent complacency and acceptance of mediocracy, I wanted mine to feel free to achieve as they saw fit. I have actually been sent letters home from teachers asking me to not allow my sons to multiply by twelves, since they were only working on the tens. REALLY? Even if they wanted to? Insisted on it, in fact? The school cannot help but try to force everyone onto the same page-they are attempting to churn out a mass-produced product, after all. But when a boy has to write a citizenship packet for pointing out a fact that a teacher overlooked-well, that isn't about citizenship, it's about a teacher's ego. Not in the best interest of a child, at all. (I specifically was not allowed to know what the Citizenship packet was about, either. I asked, and was told it was none of my busness. I guess I'm just his mom, after all.)

     If you cannot homeschool, or you just don't want to, focus on your son's major issues with school (ages eleven and younger) and try to help them work their issues out while doing some sort of physical activity. After age 12, a boy should be able to manage his own school work-boys tend to be disorganized, so when they are younger, you will need to teach them how to organize their work. After age 12, theyare going to have to work some of these things out on their own. If they do not ask for your help with their homework, do not offer. Even if the teacher sends notes home-if it is a chronic problem, ask the child what the issue is. If he says there isn't one, take it for what it is. It really isn't your problem. If you have to talk to the teacher, take the boy with you, and refer all comments back to him-you've already been through school, it's his baby, now. You cannot sit by his side in the classroom, hold his head straight up during class, force his ears to hear, his brain to understand, put the pencil in his hand and force him to write correctly. You have to make him understand that you are there to help (by guiding him to the materials he will need to get his information from, NEVER from doing it for him!) and that he is wholly and completely responsible for what he produces. Without monetary or other rewards, only the reward that comes with doing what you are expected to do in school, which is to learn. A boy should be introduced to the word "duty" as early as possible, while you model the concept of "duty" for him every day.

     Some boys have a difficult time with reading. For many boys, and this is legend among homeschoolers, they don't even pick up a book for joy reading until about age ten, twelve at the latest. Not all boys will be great readers. My two eldest were reading for fun by age four. My two youngest think books make great weapons, nothing else. Some boys just don't like the process, but mostly they are about activity. So, if you can get him some books on CD, he can put one in his listening devide and listen while he walks or prepares for sleep. You can watch instructional DVD's together, and build projects from them. He will have a larger vocabulary and not sound completely ignorant when he is talking. There are also book downloads for MP3 players, iPods, etc. Our library also has Playaways, which are tiny pre-recorded books that you can put your own ear buds into and listen to a whole book. Most boys like the Internet-oddly, they will often read a book from a computer screen that they would never look at in paper, but-never leave them alone with it, and filter as much as you can. Always know what he is writing and doing on the Internet, and who has his e-mail address as well. In some school systems, teachers are free to contact your child via the Internet. Just make sure the teacher knows you are supervising the content and relationship-just to keep everyone honest. I don't approve of a child interacting with a teacher or other adult in this way, but some schools send homework via e-mail, so that is an issue. I don't think a kid needs to be in contact with anyone more than three years older than himself. And I would be wary if they were in contact with someone more than three years younger than themselves. For example, what would a 14 year old have in common with an 11 year old or a 17 year old? It's just not really necessary, and can become a problem. They need to understand the concept of "seemliness"-that some things appear proper, and some things don't, whether or not something bad is actually going on. You can fight convention all you want, but in our litigious society, hungry for its fifteen minutes of fame, it is risky to not follow certain proprieties and conventions.

     School for boys also presents many other social issues. There is a constant need for young males to want to be the boss of all they survey, and some can find the slightest thing a challenge or affront to their "manliness". This can cause all sorts of problems. The ones who are more agressive "Alphas" can really do a number on the "Betas"-screwing up life in general for all of them. The presence of female persons can encourage "pissing contests"-to the point where others can get really hurt or their property destroyed. This is not an indication of how evil a boy can be-it is a simple example of their biological drive to procreate, and that requires that you be the biggest, baddest buck in the herd. When the herd is numerous, it can really affect a boy-either drive him to become the most obnoxious jackass or the most timid, shy guy in the back of the room. Not reality, and not healthy for either type. Boys run often on an "honor system" and this is not best supported in a multi-student classroom. In fact, boys are often "feminized"-forced to give up everything that makes them proud to be who they are, in order to fit the feminized classroom, where everyone gets along and no one gets up out of their seat, just taking in information like proper little children. This can make a young man totally distance himself from school, education, learning, thinking-and result in the exact opposite effect- just make him into an uneducated animal. He is not going to see the reasonableness of the situation, where his very soul and nature are being touted as "wrong" in every way. He is just going to tune it all out until he can get out. You can't make him into something his very nature is completely against. You will just lose him, and a boy needs to know that his contribution is of great value. That should be what he takes away from whatever system he learns in.

The Terrible Twos And More

     Most parents look forward to the "Terrible Twos" with a lot of trepidation. Personally, my sons were pretty good at two-of course they started to say "NO" to everything, which I suppose makes a parent crazy if you are actually taking a two-year-old person's opinion into account, for some strange reason. Yes, kids should have an opinion about their own care and selves, but at two, they are far too young to even have such an opinion taken very seriously. If it makes you really crazy, start saying, "Oh, YES!" cheerfully every time they say "No". My mother did this with my sons, and broke them of the "NO" habit quickly. Also, I noticed I said "NO" to them a lot; it is better to simply and matter-of-factly re-direct the child, saving NO for the important stuff. And every child should be familiar with NO and the fact that  you mean it when you say it.

    In fact, you should take a bit of wisdom from the Bible, here-"Let your YES be your YES and your NO be your NO." This means, you have a small person with a limited vocabulary. They cannot understand "nuances" in your meaning, yet. Be of few, but important, words. Too many words, and you will confuse that little mind, and a confused child is a brat throwing a tantrum-fewer words, fewer tantrums. More direct words, fewer tantrums. Yes, they will all throw a fit in a store for the pretty things-as people have said, marketers know this, and capitalize on it by making things that 2 year olds will want to throw a fit for. If this is too much for you, keep the kids at home, or just make sure they know you are not buying those items. If you give in once, you are sunk. Never give in, no matter what. A two cannot understand "Maybe", and it is easier to change a NO to a YES than a YES to a NO. It's better to adopt a two year old's attitude and say NO to everything they ask for, for the next few years.

     When my boys were about this age, I taught them how to march in a line. This was from my JROTC training-"marching is an effective way to move a large group of people from point A to point B". Therefore, for those of us with more than one child, it is an effective way to navigate the world. I taught them HALT, About Face, and Forward. A simple "stop" when we were out walking meant, "stop at the corner". HALT, on the other hand, demanded a full and immediate stop-used for imminent danger, such as big dogs, or a sudden car in our path. For my second son, a halter and leash were necessary equipment for him, to keep my sanity in public-he was speedy, and naughty, and I was pregnant again, so needed the extra assistance. It didn't affect him at all, and it actually gave him a bit more freedom than holding my hand did.

     There is some debate about kids this age and strollers. I am for having them walk everywhere, if they can walk--but if you definitely have to go somewhere, such as with older family members, and you have to make an appearance and stay/walk for a long period of time, I would still have a small folding stroller for them. Little legs get tired, and parents get tired of carrying kids. However, when a little person gets tired of walking, they probably have been out long enough, and serious thought should be given to just taking them home at this point. I understand you can't, always, but expecting a small child to keep an adult's schedule is like your having to run the Boston Marathon, and who can blame a kid for breaking down?

     When kids are really learning how to eat independently, it helps to put a damp washcloth under their bowl or plate--you can use it afterwards to clean them up. I carried a damp washcloth around in a baggie with me until my youngest was about ten, because he was constantly getting dirty and it was just handy to have around.  Foods should still be cut up for them at this age-all of mine choked on food once at this age, and it was popcorn each time-so be very careful what they are eating, and how fast. They have no idea about how choking works, at this age, and can easily over-stuff their mouths.

     In fact, in the seventies, there was an ad on television about  the sound a choking child makes--and they played several seconds of silence. My eldest once choked on a model train axle, and if he would not have grabbed the back of my legs, since I was  busy washing dishes, I would never have known in time-but he was making no noise, and quickly turning purple. I tried everything I knew to do, and then just did what I knew I wasn't supposed to do-stick my fingers in his throat-but I grabbed that thing, and yanked it out of his throat, and he gasped and was fine. It was the single most scary moment of being a mother that I have ever had. Both of us were crying after that one!

     Know how to save your kids' lives, and take a First Aid and Life Saving Class. They are very important-you never know when you are going to need those skills.

     It was very funny, too, a few months later, when he was playing with a bread wrapper, and my mom and I both said he was too smart to do something dumb, like put it over his head. Which he instantly did. So every kid is dumb-not really dumb, just inexperienced--and totally dependent on us to keep them safe.

     Of course, your two year old has worn his last diaper-on his second birthday, right? Because if you wait until they take the inkling to do something totally foreign to them, they will be really difficult to potty train later on --take my word for it. Girls are notoriously easier to train than boys; they might actually "get" that they are to use the potty--but boys will act like that's a foreign object that they have no use for-why use that, when MOM changes you all the time? Simply not in a boy's realm of caring. It's your job to make him care about that. A word though--in my mother's time, many years ago, it was thought the child was "potty trained" when he or she first used the potty. Now, kids have to use it every time without error to be deemed "trained". This is a ridiculous expectation for a small child. If he or she understands what the potty is and what it is used for, and reasonably uses it most of the time, I call that kid "trained". We all make mistakes, so go easy on your child and yourself. Aim for "most of the time"---and they will eventually catch on completely, especially when they are around other kids that are trained. Make sure they have this sort of company at the end of training. Also, only use Pull-Ups when absolutely necessary-like long car trips. Otherwise, in their own bed, a sheet of plastic inserted under their bedsheet and pinned securely (so that the child cannot get under it and get hurt) to their mattress shields the mattress from accidents, and then you can just invest in more sheets until the child is trained. You will do a lot of laundry, for a while. But not forever!

     Older twos can do simple, helpful jobs around the house-they can hold the dust pan when you sweep the floor, or sort socks. It is important to read to your child all the time, but by now you can start doing some learning of letters or colors, or numbers-don't expect full compliance, but expose them to things like that anyway. It will be fun for you, and fun for your child. Yes, some kids you meet will be past yours in development, but unless your doctor is alarmed, just enjoy your kid the way they are. This age doesn't last for very long, no matter if you feel like you're on an endless treadmill of work or not. They do grow up very fast!

HOW FAR APART SHOULD WE SPACE OUR CHILDREN? (subtitled) Boys and Violence

                           HOW FAR APART SHOULD WE SPACE OUR CHILDREN?
                                                              (Boys and Violence)



    Well, the best answer is “about  five feet apart”...... okay, if you were looking for the serious answer, that wasn’t it. For many parents, it seems of crucial interest to know how far apart their children should be in age. For some, it seems that they personally were too close in age with their siblings, and so endured many fights which caused problems for their relationship, even in adult years. For others, they think they were too far apart in age from their siblings, creating fighting or even a disconnect in the feelings of “familiness” with their older sibling or siblings. I have the best answer for all of those.

                                                        IT.........DOESN’T................MATTER.

    Of course, it matters to the mother how far apart siblings are in age. Her body needs several months to completely recover from being pregnant, so a good two years is a nice span, if she can make it that far. The old wives tale is “Nine months in, nine months out.” Some women can, as they say, shell out child after child with no ill effects, giving birth to several “Irish twins” in her life time, with no problem at all. There are others among us who are lucky to have one or two children within a span of five or six years and still survive to tell the tale--but just barely. Each pregnancy for a woman is an individual experience-no two are the same in the same woman, let alone how your mother, aunt, sister or best friend experienced pregnancy. You have to go by what your own body is telling you, with each individual pregnancy.

MEN AND CHILD SPACING

    For the men: Yes, childbirth is natural. Yes, women do it all the time, every day, in every country. However, not all women survive childbirth, even though our country does a pretty good job of taking care of pregnant women. I have personally known a woman who died during pregnancy, from an amniotic embolism. I have personally known a woman who died after childbirth from a pulmonary embolism. I live in a modern city with all the modern city amenities, and these things still happened, despite ongoing medical care from good doctors. Pregnancy has always been a risky business and it remains so today. If your wife says she is not feeling well during a pregnancy, make sure she gets medical attention. If she says that something is not right, get her to the doctor SOON. I have a niece who had a seizure during labor and nearly died having her first baby, due to pre-eclampsia. She was young, thin and healthy at the time, so no one suspected it at all.  She and the baby both nearly died.

    If your wife says she is not ready to have a child, or another child, take her word for it. Pregnancy is tough under the best of conditions, and a woman usually knows her own body and her own tolerance for babies to care for. Women, and this may come as a shock to you men, don’t actually look forward to getting up, changing a baby and having to feed it every day. She loves her baby, but she gets tired, too, so behave accordingly. Help out, even if she is doing the “Don’t Touch My Cub” routine-it is YOUR baby, too. And don’t assume a woman wants to get up in the morning and change poopy pants. If there is anyone out there who looks forward to that, they should be seen by another sort of doctor.Not an OBGYN, if you know what I mean.

     Keep in mind, women view time differently than men do. A man wants to get married "Some Day" and have "Some Kids", "Some Time". What you need to realize is that, to a woman, time for all of these things is fleeting. Even if she can attract a viable mate at the age of forty, her childbearing years are pretty much over. Yes, they can do a lot to make you pregnant after menopause, but that means that a woman's ability to chase after toddlers and tolerate teens will be long over with by the time the child reaches that age. If you are a man, you have FOREVER or until you are dead to think about these things. A woman is in a hurry because her body dictates so much more to her. If you are wasting your girlfriend's valuable energetic/good looking/childbearing years with no intent to marry her nor have a family, and she wants children, let her go NOW rather than have her hate you. If she already has a child or two, and you are the "new guy" in her life, realize that she will probably not want her kids seven or ten years apart in age. Get with the program, Buster!

BALDERDASH

    There have been many psychotherapists and child behaviorists who have written a lot of talky-talk about spacing of children. They claim that a four or five year old may already have their hooks in the ol’ Momola and resent having a new sibling at that time. Well, so be it. Your child should never be so close to you that he thinks of you as his personal property. That is not good for either one of you. There are those who claim two years is the best spacing, but I have had children eighteen months apart and ten years apart, and they are just going to argue as soon as the little one learns how to yell. Yes, just that soon. About what? Well, anything under the sun will do as argument fodder.

FOR SOME PARENTS, THE BEST NUMBER OF CHILDREN IS “ZERO”

    Most true “sibling rivalry” I have witnessed was due to the PARENTS treatment of the children, not the children’s treatment of each other. Some parents favor one child over the other unwittingly, causing competition between the kids, and some are sick and do it on purpose to suit themselves-to make the kids literally fight over them, which is pathetic.

WHAT TO TELL YOUR OLDER KIDS

    I am horrified by young parents who tell their other children that there is going to be another baby, if “that is okay” by them. Or they try to “prepare” the older child for the new baby. Such BS-it is not the place of the older child to care if the parents have another baby or not. This is falsely giving authority over the adults’ behavior to a CHILD. Really, who is in charge in that family? I am awaiting the day when a second child is put up for adoption because the parents asked the older child if he or she was okay with a sibling and the child said “NO”. Are You Serious? The matter of fact approach is best, and only when it pertains to the older child. They only need to know Mommy is pregnant when she needs more help or rest. And then, only as a courtesy to them- “because Mommy is pregnant and pregnant ladies need that.” I am big on Because I Said So. At least in parental attitude, if not the actual words.

WOULDN’T THIS BE FUNNY?

    Do you ever get into an argument with your spouse and think, “Well, we’re just too close or too far apart in age----that’s the real problem.” Of course not! It’s about privacy, space, territory, stuff, time, etc. The list between grown adults is endless, so between two siblings it is double endlessness. Two eternities’ worth. So, what’s a parent, caught in the middle of sibling issues, to do?

APPROPRIATE BOUNDARIES-NEVER LOUDER THAN “JEOPARDY!”

    What I had for my sons, and continue to have, who, despite their current tallness and oldness continue to have arguments, was firm boundary lines. If the arguing disturbs MOM, the arguing must go somewhere else or outside. No, I do not intervene in an attempt to teach how to fight correctly or in the interest of “fairness”.  No, I do not care that they are arguing. I DO care, however, about staying out of it. I would no more expect me to intervene in their arguing any more than I would want them involved in an argument between my husband and myself, deciding who is the winner and who is the loser. Which, no matter how “fair” a parent thinks their “solution” may be, is ultimately unfair as Hell. As parents, we lack the “back story” ….... what the issue REALLY is between the two sparring partners, and where it REALLY started.

HOW SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS REALLY GET DESTROYED-NEGATIVE OUTCOMES

    I learned this from my own  brother when we were growing up. (fifteen years apart, mind you). He would start stuff with me, and then manipulate the situation so that the part of the argument mostly bent in his direction would take place near our mother, so that I appeared to be the aggressor and he appeared to be the “victim”. (Our mother sort of favored him-since when I was ten he was 25 and still whining to Mommy and WINNING) So she made sure I was “fair” to him-when he was an ADULT and I was a CHILD-so, Parents, let your kids fight their own battles, especially with their siblings. You Just Don’t Know What Is Really Going On.

    I have only intervened when the battle was clearly unfair-in the case mismatched physical size or wits, obviously that is an unfair and potentially damaging fight. Obviously, no fights occurred with weapons of any sort. And any fight that continued for days got both sparring partners grounded to their room together until they figured it out or someone finally “won”.

FOSTERING SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS-POSITIVE OUTCOMES

    In case you are wondering, my sons have a wonderfully close relationship, and they lean on each other in times of trouble or sadness. Can a mother wish for anything better? They still have their differences, and they argue, but that is their business, and it doesn’t take long for them to work it out. On their own.

BOYS AND VIOLENCE                       

    This may come as a shock to some parents, especially Mothers. Your son is a violent creature. Yes, I know, I had to learn that the hard way, too. And boys view violence differently than girls do. Or Mothers. Well, inexperienced mothers, anyway.

MORE THAN JUST TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER

    Boys like to use their large muscle groups. A lot. They may fight for stuff, or they may fight because they are bored (boys generally like LOTS of action in their days. ) Boys fight because there are girls around and they are in the “button buck” stage, that annoying pubescent stage wherein they fight with other guys while girls are around, but they just don’t know why, yet. This stage becomes a less-annoying memory when your son enters the “young buck” stage and begins to set a whole new record for being annoying. Trust me on this one.

    DETERMINING YOUR SOLDIERS

    Boys also fight to determine if someone is a good member of their “posse” (and this was normal behavior before gangs became a problem-boys have always had their “gangs” throughout time, some dangerous, most not) and is a good fighter, to stand by his side in battle.  Boys seem to be born slightly  paranoid, either believing the world is a dangerous place to face alone, or desperately wishing that was so. Either way, this is the basis for the type of boy fight that stuns an inexperienced mother-one day they are bitter rivals and fight, the next they are the best of friends. Your little man is making his own “posse” to explore the world with. Hopefully, you did not go ballistic and confront the kid or his parents-because that means you have socially castrated your son. Yes, he lives in a different world from yours. Deal.

PICK THE BULLY

    There was a teacher fired recently for taking two boys (about ten years old) out of his classroom to “slap it out” when they were continuously creating a disturbance in their class room. Of course, there were many in the community who were deeply disturbed by the potential for “bullying”, and those who were disturbed by the “violence in the classroom” etc, Mitten Suckers one and all. The television interview of one of the boys was hilarious to me, because his eyes were still wide at the memory of it--his bluff had been called, and still the teacher was fired. I call “Unfair”!  This was a man, who knows what boys this age are like. There were girls in the classroom, and it was during science class. I am guessing, “button bucks” plus “boredom” equalled “hey, let’s fight a little and make this more interesting. “

TRUE BULLYING

    I have a son who has some aggression issues. He loved to tease one of our other sons, who would just then mostly laugh it off. If I heard the unkindness, I would give a gentle word of warning that this was not acceptable, but I figured it would all come out in the wash. One night, our “teaser” said something about his brother loving him despite the teasing, and the “tease-ee” said, very quietly, looking his brother directly in the eye, “No, actually, I truly hate you. “ No, I can’t say what was said after this-I went to bed, but I do know they were up very late that night, and by the next day, they were brothers again. The teasing, for the most part, stopped. (Old habits die hard. Gentle reminders from his brother helped more than anything I ever had to say about anything.)

    That works if the two are about the same size and the same age. If they were mis-matched in age, size or wits, I would have had to be more pro-active about the harassment. Since they were similar in all respects, they could solve that one on their own. And if they would have never gotten along again with each other, that would have been fine, too. Sometimes people get “divorced” and as a person who has legally divorced, I can’t tell someone else who they MUST get along with. Not even siblings. It’s None Of My Business.


YOUNG BOYS AND TEASING/BULLYING

    When the Teasemonster was little, however, he was aggressive toward his brothers from time to time. Since my eldest is sort of the quiet type, occasionally Tease would have to be grounded off of his brothers, or I would tell him , “Well, I can see the TeaseMonster came out of your room today-I guess he’ll have to go back into your room until Isaac (his real name) can come out of there, instead.” This worked very often-we all have days when our Monster gets up and roams the earth, when we should have just gone back to our beds until our real selves could come out and play.

SOMETIMES FIGHTING IS OKAY

    Explain to your young sons when fighting is okay and when it is not. I told all of my sons, as a younger single mom, that fighting was never okay and I did not approve of it. Then I sent them out into the neighborhood to play. Well----------it was about a week before I noticed that they were staying indoors all the time. When I asked why, they said everyone was beating them up outside, even the little girls. It took the little predators outside no more than three days to figure out my sons were not allowed to hit back, so they were what is loosely referred to as “victims”. I was infuriated; I was going to go talk to the other kids’ parents. My sons  begged me not to (see aforementioned “socially castrated”). So, the only other alternative was to tell them, no weapons, but do what you gotta do. By the weekend, they had about three new friends and were playing outside. It’s not pretty, but it is the truth among children, in some neighborhoods, unfortunately. If you grew up in civilization, God Bless You. Apparently, I have never lived there.

    A few years later, I was dating the man who is now their stepfather. My mother came into the house all upset, saying that the neighbor kid across the alley was throwing rocks at my kids as they played in my mother’s yard. My future hubs said to me, “You just sit tight, and I’ll go see what’s up.” so he went out of the back door, and very quietly observed what was going on. A few minutes later, he came in, laughing, and said, “I hate to be the one to tell you, Momma, but it’s YOUR little angels who are doing the rock tossing!” I was aghast. Actually, I was AGHAST-AGHAST. “MY SONS? ARE YOU SURE?” and my hubs said, “Yes, Mommy,  Your Little Darlings!” I was on my way out the door when my hubs said, “Leave it alone; they’re all having fun!” I could not understand how that could possibly be fun, but sure enough, at the end of the day, they were all laughing and having a good time. Both sides. Boys.......Are..........Weird. Be prepared-one day the bully will be the victim, and vice versa, because we all go to one extreme or the other as part of developing into a healthy, middle-of-the-road person. It’s a process, with one day up and the next, down. Give your kid room to develop without labeling him either way.

HOW BOYS REALLY FEEL ABOUT THEIR (MINOR) INJURIES

    This was also when I learned that a boy doesn’t want you to kiss his boo-boos nor feel sorry for his “owies”. He wants to show them to you and tell you what a GREAT DAY HE HAD getting them. Grown men are the same way-scars, gouges, eyes/limbs missing-all add up to a GREAT TIME getting them. They want a woman to look on and admire them. So, now when my sons get a bruise or any sort of gash (which seems peculiarly often for males) I just say, “Wow-great work! I’ll bet you had great fun getting that! How’d that happen?” And then I am regaled with the tale of yet another great adventure they’ve had, and what a satisfying day it’s been. Yes, I still think it’s crazy, but that’s how men (and boys) are. I no longer ask questions.

SERIOUS BULLYING

    What do you do when your son is being bullied at school? Well, there are several options. For one, all kids get bullied, but some for reasons that can be fixed. Try to figure out what the problem is with your kid-is he lacking in social graces to the point where he annoys others? Or did the other guy’s girl look at your son, and therefore set the other guy off? If it gets to the point where your son is becoming ill or depressed, look into alternatives to schooling-for example, home schooling can help your child to develop in a kinder atmosphere until he matures to the stage where his confidence will carry him, which does eventually happen, in most cases.  Sometimes leaving school is best, sometimes switching schools is best, sometimes confronting the boy through school authorties is best, but tread carefully. A predatory kid will act like everything is okay, then really hurt your kid when he gets the chance. Don’t leave your child’s safety or mental/emotional health to chance. Boys don’t like to complain, especially to mothers. This might be a good one for Dad to handle, actually. If your child has no resident Dad, and the school doesn’t seem to want to take care of the problem, take it to the police department. When people start to see you are dead serious about the issue, they will take notice. YOU might then take some heat, but your son is too precious to leave to the wolves. Since boys see most of the issues in life as black or white (they don’t dabble in the gray area like girls tend to) this can be life-threatening-some boys don’t mind killing, and some boys will see suicide as a completely do-able thing, with little thought about the consequences either way.

MEN, WOMEN, AND VIOLENCE

    Young men who have been spurned find it easy to contemplate killing the girl they claim they are in love with. This seems very far-out in a woman or girl’s mind-we might think of that ourselves, but then toss the idea away as silly or not dwell on it. Boys.......Dwell. They think they have lost EVERYTHING FOR EVER when their girl leaves them. (and to be fair, usually the girl leaves BECAUSE the guy is unhinged and doesn’t handle emotions well. It just gets really noticeable after he blows up her house, kills her, sets her pets on fire, whatever he does to act out his anger.)  I dispute the idea that all spouse abusers witnessed abuse as children-I was in a very abusive relationship at one time myself, and my parents were in love until the day they died, never even raising voices at each other. Since I thought all relationships were like this, I did not realize mine was becoming abusive until I was trapped. Thank God for my parents, who not only housed me (eventually) but made sure I went no where alone for a long period of time. Boys, with their delicate and newfound sense of “manliness” take quite a few years to figure out exactly what it means to be “a man” and they sometimes make big mistakes along the way. For some reason, seventeen seems to be the crazy year, when even the most stable young man loses his mind temporarily. It is good for parents to keep their son in communication with them, even if he doesn’t seem to like it and claims you are intruding. If he has recently been broken up with, and is turtling in his room, invite a couple of his guy friends over to have a friendly chat. Teens and young men take these things very hard. Since most think, these days, with their emotions instead of their brains, things can get out of hand very quickly. I used to joke that I didn’t like it when a man was in touch with his feelings, because it usually involves an AK-47 and innocent bystanders, which isn’t a very funny joke anymore because of several incidents around America which involved just that. It isn’t because guys don’t express their feelings, and therefore can’t express them correctly-it’s because they get overwhelmed and their NATURE is to handle things their own way. I was shocked by my sons one day when they, and their friends, agreed that when guys comfort their friend by telling them, “She isn’t worth it, Man.” that what they mean is, “She isn’t worth killing and getting the chair over, Man.” I could NOT believe this-but when they all agreed it was so, well, I had to take their word for it. Yes, they really go that far in their thinking. Yes, it is scary to think about, but that’s what’s going on in that little brain during a breakup.

WHAT IS THERE TO DO?

    Encourage your sons to group date instead of individual dating until they are more emotionally stable, and can handle a break up. Explain that everyone gets broken up with, or most people do, and life goes on. Sympathize if he gets dumped, but don’t pry. Invite his friends over, instead. Listen when he wants to talk, and above all, DO NOT DISPARAGE HIS EX. Boys, for whatever reason, get very upset if you do this, and chances are, she’ll end up being the mother of your grandchildren, so don’t jinx yourself. Stay out of that territory. Make sure your son understands that you understand how deeply this has hurt him, but that you are confident that things will work out. (even if you most certainly are not). Don’t say you told him so, or that you knew she was a bad choice from the get-go (jeez, let him have a little pride, will ya? He CAN make a choice without your total input and approval.) Make sure he understands how you feel about domestic violence, and the consequences both legal and at home, if he makes such a poor choice.

    Remember, some girls make excellent bullies and will bully a guy, too, so keep your eyes and ears open for this sort of stuff. Let little Missy know, in private, that you will have none of it without legal intervention. One of my sons spurned a girl who then broke out one of our car windows-so don’t always immediately side with the woman in violence issues-sometimes they are the provocateur. Teach your son, no matter how difficult it may be, that it is also okay and sometimes stronger, to just WALK AWAY. No one ever went to prison for that.

    

    

    

Bouncing Along With Your Baby Boy!

IT'S A BOY!

     Maybe you are pregnant and have just found out you're having a boy--congratulations! Or, maybe you have been the Mommy of one or more boys-if you can still read this, congratulations, as well! (The trembling will stop sooner or later-or so I'm told...). I have raised four sons, and I am to the point where I can safely think about their growing-up years without getting TOO freaked out. Be aware, a lot of the information I will give you will seem sexist, outdated or some other annoying thing-but it has all been tested and proven, time and again, in our very own "home lab", a.k.a. "The House".
     Boys really are not the fearsome beasts that some people imagine they are. Sure, they are a bit more energetic than the other type of child-bolder, and sometimes seemingly stranger than girls tend to be, but Trust Me-they will have a Completely Logical Explanation (CLE) for every single thing they do. Boys are Far More Demanding as babies-at least one study has shown that a boy baby will DEMAND that someone appear when he is feeling needy-and girls tend to wait patiently. But boys, truly, Love Their Mothers. That annoying habit the father of your child has, where EVERYTHING his mother says is Gospel? It's a lot more fun being the Mom in that situation that the grown boy's "significant other".  As the new mother of a son, you have many years of being the Yoda of his life to come.
     As for your Baby Boy, though....before you give birth (if you haven't yet) make sure you have studied the subject of circumcision, and have made your decision for him long before you give birth. Otherwise, you will be asked this as a "pop" question right after you have him, and sometimes there is not enough time to make a well-informed decision while you're still under the influence of medication or hormones. It helps to write these things out on your "birth plan" so you can remember them. If you've never given birth before, you can't really know what effect the birthing experience will have on you-you might be exhausted, forgetful, confused or again, under the influence of drugs from the hospital. I am not going to try to influence you either way-this is a very personal choice, and really none of my business. Nor is it anyone else's business, and when you have your first child, now is a good time to start explaining to others that your choices for your child, are yours. Your child will not be harmed either way-barring the few accidents that can happen with any surgery. Trust me, he will not remember it many years later as a repressed memory-there are the rare few who will resent you for it, either way, but that sort of person is usually glued together by "resentments", so by the time he's older, you will have developed a thicker skin for being "blamed".  You can't fix personality.

FATHERS AND CHILD BIRTH

A BOY AND HIS DOG (PREMATURE PETTAGE)
      I have seen many cases of expectant fathers getting a puppy for the child to play with, while Mommy is still pregnant. I am not going to deny a man his right to his paternal instincts; however, when you are both exhausted and she is still in pain shortly following the birth of the child, and Daddy returns to work soon after, this leaves Mommy with a puppy and a child to train. It is overly exhausting and unfair. Save puppies for when your child can truly enjoy the puppy, and not hurt it, at around five or six years old. At this age, a child can  be trained to not rush the dog or do any other thing that might trigger a biting incident. Everyone gets to enjoy the relationship, rather than having it be a burdensome or dangerous affair.

      NEVER leave an animal alone with a child-one of them is going to cause a problem, and a dog with a strong bite ability can kill a child, through no fault of its own-it's just a dog being a dog, who believes your child is also a dog just like himself. All dogs have a "prey drive"-some have it stronger than others, but all dogs are predators, and if you know your dog has an extra strong prey drive, it doesn't belong anywhere near your family. Period.

     It is your job to keep everyone, child and dog, safe. I know of a family that didn't understand it needed to protect an older dog from the baby-and now they wonder why the dog snarls and snaps at the child whenever she is near, after Doggy has experienced being mauled repeatedly by the child and no one has corrected the child. As a responsible parent and pet owner, you must keep at least two to three feet of space between pet and child at all times, at least until you are sure the child knows not to hurt the animal and the animal has learned to trust you to protect him. They are both relying on your common sense, since you are the Pack Leader.

     These are our general dog rules: dogs are never allowed to growl inside the home. Growling is a warning of aggression, and not allowed when the dog is inside the house. I am, in my dog's mind, his pack leader, so he has to do what I say. Aggression toward me or anyone in my home is absolutely forbidden. Dogs can tell the difference between a bad person attacking you and someone who is your friend-because they can read your reactions accurately. If your dog attacks anyone, dog must go away. No questions asked.

     I never allow my dog to chase the children. This is only a funny game, with rowdiness and squealing children,  until the dog is twice the kid's size in less than six months, and Dog still believes (because YOU have allowed him to) that it is okay to chase the kids and nip at them. Unfortunately,once that puppy is a dog, the dog has much more physical and bite strength, and the dog causes real damage or kills a child. The dog doesn't know the difference-he's the dog, and you let him do that before. They recognize the children as part of their pack, but they assume, because they think with the mind of a DOG, that the child can take the same type of activity that the dog can. Which is not so.

     Toddlers can accidentally fall on the dog while learning to walk, or pull doggy's ears or tail, causing the dog to bite the child out of pain. We all react to sharp pain in the same way-so don't expect a dog to be more highly intelligent or tolerant than people are. It's a dog.

     We have a home that is happily populated by two cats and an old German Shepherd mix dog. I know for a fact that the dog, despite her amiable grandmotherly demeanor, would love to rid our home of at least one of our cats, but she never even goes near the cat to do so. It is forbidden, and they are watched when they are together to keep everyone alive and well. This takes work, and attentiveness, which is why I recommend no dogs when baby is small-no one has the energy to take care of all of those things very well.

CATS AND CHILDREN

     I believe it was Mark Twain who said, (and I paraphrase here) that cats are good pets for children because they teach them about boundaries. I agree whole heartedly. The nice thing about cats is that they usually avoid the baby at all costs. It is not safe for pregnant women to change the litter box due to the possibility of passing toxoplasmosis on to the baby, so if you have a cat that goes potty just anywhere (misses the litter box) kitty has to live elsewhere at least until the baby is born.

     Cats do not steal a baby's breath, nor do they sleep on a baby's face. Cats, if you know them at all, are way too jumpy to be anywhere a crying and unpredictable baby would be.

     However, claws are another story. When my eldest boys were toddlers, I had a cat with a very strong prey drive. He would leap out at the boys when they were toddling around, and latch onto their backs with all four paws. This was a big cat, too. So, kitty had to go live elsewhere. Cat Scratch Fever is a real disease that makes people very ill. Luckily, my sons did not get sick from the cat, and they were not traumatized by the experience, so all is well. I did not blame the cat-it was just a cat being a cat, and some animals are "liveable" and some aren't. But remember, cats and dogs alike are predators, and occasionally will forget their "house manners". It's your job to keep damage to a minimum.

FATHERS AND DELIVERY

      When a father cuts the umbilical cord bonding Mother and Child, it is more than a utilitarian gesture-it is also a deeply symbolic gesture, because this is another function of Fatherhood-to keep enough space between Mother and Son so that Mom easily remembers always that she is Hubby's Lover Girl and not the property of The Boy. A weak father and a mother who feels she must fill in the gap, and the boy is then forced into being the property of the mother until the end of her days. Fostering an appropriate Mother/Son relationship is an important part of fathering, which allows the boy to have his own life when the time comes. Sad is the boy who has to stay with Mom because she "has no one else". Be a true Mom; love unselfishly.

HERE'S WHERE STUFF GETS REAL-CAUTION, MAY BE TOO GRAPHIC FOR YOU 

       Sometimes, men who go through the whole birth process (all the doctor visits, etc.) with you will seem to lose interest in sex. A man might start feeling the pressure to perform suddenly as a Real Man, with a job, house, car, etc. and this pressure will sometimes put him off his game for a while. I don't really know for sure, but I suspect, that a man who has seen his child on the Ultrasound might have excessive fears of harming the child or the mother if sex is attempted during the pregnancy. In at least one case I know of, the man confessed that it was extremely difficult to think of having sex with his wife after viewing his child on the ultrasound. If you understand how visual men are, you can imagine therefore what he is thinking.  The thought of that sickened him. He had seen his unborn baby on the ultrasound and, like any man, had a very strong image of what lie under the skin of his wife's baby belly.

      I sometimes have heard of men refusing sex with their wives after witnessing her giving birth. I think sometimes the Mommy Bond between a man and his mother might make his wife therefore permanently a Mommy in his mind, and therefore sexually off-limits. I'm not a professional sex therapist, so I wouldn't really know. But I think there were fewer of these complaints before all of this machinery and co-birthing stuff occurred. Men just don't see childbirth the same as a woman does. Yes, both of my husbands were present at our children's births, because I believed that if the man  could be there at the beginning, he could be there at the end, as well. With the new 3D ultrasound technology, I think things are too graphic for men these days.

      A side note to Fathers who are wondering why his wife no longer is interested in intimacy, or at least, not for right now. Women, as much as men, get "performance anxiety". If you think the whole "Shoving An Entire Person Out Of Your Body" thing is freaky from the male point of view, (admit it!) imagine how freaky it is to have had it making you throw up for months, crave things, feeling it move around in your belly, and making you the focal point of any crowd of strangers, especially if Mommy is the shy or anxious type.

      Even though she's been to the doctor and that seems normal to you, it is yet another stranger touching her Everywhere. She hasn't gotten to regulate who gets to Touch and who Doesn't, and Where, for about nine months now. Think about that! Add to that, parts of you hurt pretty badly-and they are the parts that Hubby is mostly interested in, at this time. Her body is no longer her own-it has stretch marks, flab, etc. and has done a most miraculous thing that currently is refusing to let you sleep and it's making you work constantly. Then there is that Man asking her to get it naked, so he can have some fun of his own. You don't want your DOCTOR to see you naked, let alone the man that you want to keep attracted to you (and she doesn't want to look at her belly, so she figures you don't want to, either-or that you'll instantly be repulsed by the view). And every time she gets into a lying down position, she instantly goes to sleep, too.

       If, as a Husband, you are that interested, have the baby go to Grandma's for a couple of days-by the second day, (first day is for sleeping ONLY) your wife may be more interested in being intimate. Just let her know how much you love her, and marvel at the wonderful thing the two of you have together. Never make comments about how her body has changed, if you ever want to see her naked again. Just love her a lot-a woman who feels loved is a lover.

(By the third day, she will KILL anyone who is between her and her baby. Just so you know!)

NOTE TO THE LADIES

     Your husband doesn't care how you look. I know you just want to have your own personal body back, and get to regulate once again who gets to touch it and who doesn't, but have some pity for the poor guy. Touching matters a lot to him. Allow him to say one or two dumb things (you know he will-he's A)a Man and B)he's tired, too. Forgive and forget. But try to understand. He just wants YOU, like he did a year ago when you all got started on this project.


WHEN BABY COMES HOME
        
CARING FOR YOUR BABY BOY
     As with any infant, your baby will cry. He will want to be picked up. I picked up my babies every time they cried, unless I was so irritated that to pick them up would have been dangerous for both of us-and I will tell you, you will never Love or Hate anyone as much as you will your own child-and it will take your breath away in either case. You will have times you feel like an awful parent-join the club-and times when you feel you just got a rotten kid-again, welcome to the club. You will, of course, NEVER pick up your child when you are very very angry, sleep deprived and bent toward violence. You will NEVER leave your baby with someone who doesn't understand the above rule. You WILL cultivate friends who understand-couples, singles with kids, grandmas, WHATEVER it takes to keep baby and you alive and well. This is your "support system" and you will return the favor when necessary.
     Studies have shown that babies that get picked up often have a lot more neural pathways to their brains-making their brains more functional. I don't know, but I have raised four boys and all test well on IQ tests. The first three were raised in a low-income neighborhood because we were low-income, and my eldest trained himself to do computer programming. Against the statistics, my two eldest graduated high school and have never been in trouble with the law nor have they had any girlfriends with surprise pregnancies. Not saying that's all in the "picking up a crying baby" but there might be something to that, after all. I know, older people and the inexperienced will tell you "let that baby cry!" but they aren't there at night when the baby won't stop crying and the only cure is to pick him up. In fact, is it just me, or does it seem like it's a lot easier to raise a child when you don't actually own one?

BABIES AND THE BIG OL' WORLD

     When you take Baby out for a visit, take only one diaper, one bottle, and one outfit, until the child is at least two, two and a half. Especially with tiny infants, any visit that lasts longer than one of those three items is being out far too long. The length of time it takes to use up any one of these items gets longer as the child ages, naturally. At first, though, Mommy and Daddy might be so excited at getting to go out for a while that the temptation to stay out longer than one of these items is really strong, but New Parents especially are more tired than they realize. Baby is hearing new sounds, smelling new smells, and being exposed to things they might not be able to process, and even if Baby appears to be asleep, he or she is still somewhat absorbing all of this new info-which will, after a long exposure, make Baby very irritable and hard to put to bed once you get home, when you are finally realizing how very, very, tired you are. Screaming baby and very exhausted parents are not the best combination. Be gentle with yourselves (and your friends) and go home earlier than you planned. You're the Big People now; act like it!

STUFF YOU SHOULDN'T DO WITH A BABY-REALLY

     You should not take baby out to homes where you barely know the people and ask them to babysit nor should  you dump the baby on them so you can play a video game or run an errand. Are You Serious? Parents have to plan better than that-if you need time off, call a friend. Trade babysitting time. I have been on the receiving end of "baby dumping" and it is really irritating, but mostly it makes you hurt for the child-because his parents are being very careless with his tender little life, and are giving everyone involved the impression that you really wish you didn't have a child-this DOES things to a child's mind. none of which are positive. You'll get Child Protective Services called on you, eventually.
      You should not take baby out after eight o'clock unless you are having a medical emergency. My husband, my older sons' stepfather, instantly instituted BEDTIME when we got married. At first, I thought, "Who the Hell does He think He IS?" but, the common sense of it all soon sank in as he and I enjoyed a quiet hour or two before we had to go to bed ourselves. The boys rarely went right to sleep, but as long as they were in their room, we were okay with that. They could do whatever they wanted, and since there are no electronic items in their rooms, they usually got bored and went to sleep. (My husband and I have been together more than twenty years, so something must have paid off.)

     The same goes for naps. We all need one. Parents deserve an hour "off" every afternoon. We've worked hard for it. Your child will also appreciate the temporary separation, even if they fuss about it. You know, your child gets just as tired of You as you do of your child. It really is mutual.

      So, how many of us have been "treated" to the screaming child who is obviously extremely tired, in the grocery store, restaurant or theater? And some parents take to punishing the child-when it is the parent who has pushed the child beyond all human endurance! When a child is tired, the over-stimulating environments adults expose them to is just overwhelming. If your child is tired, sick or has a hard time with shutting out stimulating images, keep them at home. It's not fair to you, your child, or innocent bystanders to have to try to deal with your child's freak out. It really does embarrass the child, eventually.

     I tend to believe the trend toward "child free" restaurants and other venues was, in fact, advocated by older parents who just want a peaceful night out without their kids or other people's kids screaming in their ears.

      If you are out in public, your child should not be allowed more than four feet away from you, ever, or at least until they are five or six, and can tell which adults can take them somewhere else and which ones cannot. I am reminded of the story of one of my nieces, aged three at the time, who was completely stark naked, walking down the street with a neighbor lady regaling said lady with stories about how shy she was. (She had escaped the house during naptime.) Children don't know a stranger.

     Even though I have kids of my own, I no more want your child all over me any more than I would want a stranger's dog all over me. I know--children and dogs are two different things-but personal space is personal space. The child who learns to respect others respects their parents and siblings, too. A child who learns they have to respect no one will be calling you from jail someday. It is also an interesting phenomenon to note: people who have unruly children also tend to have unruly dogs, and vice versa. A well-trained child is welcome everywhere-and this makes for an adult, in the future, who feels at home on the Earth. He Can Do Anything Because He Is Welcomed Everywhere!

BABIES AND DISCIPLINE

     A baby should never be physically punished or disciplined. A tiny baby cannot be spoiled, and he is not  bossing you around with his crying. It's his only form of communication, so respect that. Your taking care of him is the only form of communication from you that he can understand. They don't yet understand your words, just your tone and the "vibe" they are getting from you. The more agitated you are, the higher the pitch of your voice, the more you bounce them in your arms, the more they will scream. You're scaring them-stop it! Their comprehension of right and wrong won't develop for several years, and we are told, the male brain doesn't complete this part of its development until around the age of twenty-four. Be very patient with your sons!

     A single swat on the backside ONLY after the age of five and ONLY for extreme cases is more than enough if you have formed a good bond with your child. My mother only swatted me once-I had gotten into her medicine and could have been harmed. I have spanked some of my kids and not spanked some of my kids, and they turned out pretty much the same. I developed, over time, The Look (everyone knows what that is) and that works just as well. An understanding of parents as "The Boss" plus strong communication plus repetition equals a good kid.

FATHERS AND BOYS
     I have heard too many mothers complain about the lack of interest from the father in the child, and I have witnessed these same mothers earlier chasing Daddy off of his own child, or acting like she was the only one who knew what to do with the child, never giving Daddy the chance to learn, just as she had to. Daddy will make mistakes. Correct him gently if you know better, and the love will flow and will make him a better man who loves you like no other. Treat him like he is an unwanted, unneeded appendage who is just a dolt (or the phrase that makes me cringe, "The Sperm Donor"-wow, wouldn't you just LOVE to be stuck with a woman like that?) and he will fulfill all of these things. You catch more flies with honey!

WHAT'S A FATHER TO DO?
     This brings us to the role of fathers. You might or might not have had a father, yourself. If not, this is what fathers DO. They protect and provide for a family, are the Head of the family (what can it hurt to let him believe this?) and they provide stability for a family, if you have a Good Daddy.

MOMMY PLUS DADDY

     Most importantly, as Mommy, you will encourage Daddy to pick up baby whenever he can-this bonds the two of them deeply. At first, full of Mommy hormones, you won't like Your Baby being held even by his own father-but trust me, this is what you really want, because they will know each other very well by the time you absolutely have to get out of the house in a month or so, and Daddy is in sole charge of the baby. Even if baby is sleeping when Daddy gets home, Baby will go back to sleep, I promise. This bond makes Daddy have a lot more respect for you than he otherwise might; the two of you become "two-gether" as you compare notes on Baby Dear, and you are making a friend out of your husband to help you both as the years go by. Baby will eventually leave home, and you will want your husband to still know who you are by then. The seeds of that are being planted now.


SINGLE PARENTS AND BOYS

THE CO-PARENTING RELATIONSHIP

     If you have, for whatever reason, decided to not continue your relationship with your child's father, understand this-whatever the father does with his own life after you've broken up is none of your business. This is the same rule for the men as well-whatever your child's mother chooses to do with her life after you break up with her is none of your business. It is only your business if it is genuinely harmful to the child's well-being. I highly recommend rasing children in a two-parent home-children need that safety net and stability. If you can be mature about it, I also think you should stay "for the sake of the kids". It is just more financially advantageous for the children, and they didn't ask to be born. So they definitely did not ask to be poverty stricken, either. With children, you absolutely must think of someone besides yourself. You gave up that choice when you decided to create them. It's only eighteen years or so. If we lived in a world where children were taught tolerance at home, by watching their parents get along despite their differences, maybe we would have peace on earth. We'd at least have kids who have learned better negotiating skills-it's a start!

GROUND RULES FOR SINGLE MOMS

     You, as the Mother, will try to do these things for your child's father. You may not treat him like The Enemy. You once loved him enough to procreate, so cool your jets. You can not become a Man Hater (even young boys "feel" this hostility from the Mommy-and it will do him No Good during his formative years. You don't want him to feel like he needs to live up to a standard opposite of his father anymore than you would want to be constantly compared to Barbie, even if it might be favorably. Let the boy BE who he IS.) You can not fight with his father in front of him. You can not fight with his father (Seriously, if you've broken up, what are you fighting about? You've rid yourself of the problem, get over it! ) You must allow his father be in his life, no matter how you personally feel about the man. (Let the child form his own opinion-he will respect you a LOT more later on for this, because it shows deep respect for your child.) There are a few cases where children should not be alone with their father, but these are not common. You are not "winning" by robbing your child of his natural ties that he might want to have, or having your child fed only "your side" of the story. This happened to a man I know, and when he found out "the rest of the story", he lost such respect for his mother that it ended their relationship. Boys take lies VERY seriously. Your ex was never meant to be YOUR daddy, so don't act like an abandoned child.

     I have been a single mom; I KNOW it is not easy to let "That Man" take off with your precious babies for even a few hours, but bite the bullet, be gracious, and have a good few hours of "me time". Try not to resent his taking them to McDonald's when he never took any of you while you were together; "Disney Dads" (those guys who take the kids out Somewhere every time he has them) end up regretting that when the cash is low and the children have developed expensive tastes. Let him learn his own lessons. Try not to resent that he gets away with taking them to eat at his mother's house, or feeding them PB and J's for breakfast, lunch and dinner for a solid week. (or only mustard sandwiches for a weekend. It's past history, now. They survived.) What they do when they are together, barring actual physical harm, is none of your business. If you wanted a "say-so" you would have worked it out instead of giving up. (And that goes for when either one of you have a date or significant other, as well).   Develop your other interests now; you'll need to have a life when your babies are grown and start leading their own lives-it's not your child's place to provide you with a life. They have their own to live. God Forbid your child is your only source of  hope or income. Training schools are available everywhere, so that you can stand on your own two feet. Take advantage of them.

SINGLE PARENTS AND OTHER RELATIONSHIPS

    If you are a single parent, and you live with your parents or even your former relationship's parents, you should preserve their right to be whatever their relationship says they are. For example, when my older boys were little, I had to live with my mother. I also had to go to school. At first, I was angry that my mother did not discipline the boys as I would have liked-in fact, she spoiled them rotten. Then, thank God, logic set in. "Just Because" I married badly, "Just Because" I decided to end that relationship, "Just Because" we had to live at Grandma's, didn't mean that I could also end HER relationship to them, and how unfair would that have been on my part? So, she continued to spoil them rotten; they did pick up bad behaviors from this, which I (gently) corrected, even as she continued to sort of encourage them, but you know what? They remember their Grandma as Grandma-a Saint of a Woman who was not nearly as crazy or irritable as their own mother, and in their own way, they have thanked me for letting this relationship go on as it should have. "Just Because" you have to live with the consequences of your choices, don't punish your children for that. It isn't their fault. Let them have what is due to them.
     You should also let Grandparents establish their own boundaries with your child. Some grandparents act like they've never had children and become ultra-fussy, or if they have a poor relationship with your spouse (or ex) some will be mean and childish toward the children. Some Grandparents are just plain mean to kids. You will then have to establish your boundaries with them. Never allow children to be abused, no matter how much you WISH your parents or in-laws would love the children. If your kids are  not appreciated by the Grandparents (verbal, physical or mental abuse, not just "not spoiling" your kids) either reduce the amount of time they have with them, or don't take them there at all. Kids are never worse off for not being abused. Children, though, are more comfortable and better off when they know and respect the boundaries of others, and their boundaries are respected, as well. Children also need elderly people in their lives-in boys, especially, it breeds a kinder, gentler heart.

DATING WHILE PARENTING

     I have been a single mom, and I married while my three eldest sons were still in the pre-adolescent stage. I married a man who, while he had siblings, did not have any children of his own. Yes, it was very difficult. No one loves your children at first like you do. Dr. Laura Schlessinger has some very excellent points about that, and I have often wished I had followed her advice and just stayed single while my boys were small. However, I did not know this stuff at the time, so I remarried.

     We made a good family, and my sons learned to tolerate this stranger in their midst, eventually. It took a lot of work, but it hs been worth it.

     As a single mom or dad, there are a few guidelines to acknowledge. First of all, don't take your children to adult parties or adult venues. It's not a proper atmosphere for the kids, and the adults can't relax with your kids around. The kids feel unwelcomed and just act up, anyway.

      Secondly, don't introduce them to every person you meet. Let someone know before you date them that you have kids, but don't do introductions until you are thinking of getting very serious. Don't freak out if the kids don't like the person, unless they have very serious issues with the person-we all know, single moms especially, that we can become vulnerable to sexual predators just because we need help with the kids and a guy can seem so nice-and they know, a woman always wants to look to a man for guidance or stability or attention-it may be sexist, but it's true. Always be aware-predators seem so nice because they're  not going to get any prey any other way. Take the guy around your friends, first-ones who aren't looking through your Love Blinders will let you know what they think-and if they raise suspicions, Listen To Them. All hunters wear camouflage!

     If someone you like says, "It's me or your kids" of course you will choose your children-that goes without saying. Obviously, you have misjudged this person and are much better off without them. They want everything you love out of your life so they can be the center of your existence. Welcome to Hell.

     Third, no "living together" or "slumber parties". I have heard the horror of adults recalling that as children, they had to live with their mom's boyfriend or even worse, got introduced to the boyfriend at the breakfast table. Your kids don't want to be anywhere near your sexuality. It freaks them out. They also don't like living with your boyfriend because it is HIS territory, and for boys, who are born territorial, it never feels like their home. If you're going to bother to uproot everyone just to live together, you might as well get married. Marriage is safer for everyone, with the legal rights of all protected, such as guardianship if you and your children get injured and the only one to make decisions for the family is the step parent-this can become sticky if the other biological parent is not agreeable to the relationship and you have not established guardianship. It's even worse if you are the long-standing boyfriend or girlfriend of the parent-and the other biological parent has every right to prevent you from seeing the kids in the hospital. These things really do happen.

     Remarriage goes better if the parents have not forged a pseudo-partnership relationship with the children. If you've been left by your man, your son cannot become "the man of the house." He is just a boy, and since he is a boy, you will not listen to what his opinion is, nor is he able to protect or provide, so therefore, he is still just a boy. Yes, you can rely on your child to get some of the dinner started or whatever, but the intimate parts of a relationship, such as finances or adult worries are not to be shared with the children. Ever.

     You will have to re-organize your relationship with your children should you meet an acceptable adult to be in a relationship with-you will naturally grow a bit more distant with your children to fit your partner into the intimacy space of your life, but it pays off in the long run. Boys, especially, try to take over the leadership position naturally when there is no father, and he will probably really resent having to leave his "post" in favor of a man he didn't get to choose. He might even be startled by having to respect this man's boundaries and rules-so be it. That's life. If you have a good man, eventually this will be good for your son-to have to acquiesce his imagined position in favor of someone else, because now he can resume becoming himself, and growing up to be a man should be a pretty awesome thing to do!