IT'S A BOY!
Maybe you are pregnant and have just found out you're having a boy--congratulations! Or, maybe you have been the Mommy of one or more boys-if you can still read this, congratulations, as well! (The trembling will stop sooner or later-or so I'm told...). I have raised four sons, and I am to the point where I can safely think about their growing-up years without getting TOO freaked out. Be aware, a lot of the information I will give you will seem sexist, outdated or some other annoying thing-but it has all been tested and proven, time and again, in our very own "home lab", a.k.a. "The House".
Boys really are not the fearsome beasts that some people imagine they are. Sure, they are a bit more energetic than the other type of child-bolder, and sometimes seemingly stranger than girls tend to be, but Trust Me-they will have a Completely Logical Explanation (CLE) for every single thing they do. Boys are Far More Demanding as babies-at least one study has shown that a boy baby will DEMAND that someone appear when he is feeling needy-and girls tend to wait patiently. But boys, truly, Love Their Mothers. That annoying habit the father of your child has, where EVERYTHING his mother says is Gospel? It's a lot more fun being the Mom in that situation that the grown boy's "significant other". As the new mother of a son, you have many years of being the Yoda of his life to come.
As for your Baby Boy, though....before you give birth (if you haven't yet) make sure you have studied the subject of circumcision, and have made your decision for him long before you give birth. Otherwise, you will be asked this as a "pop" question right after you have him, and sometimes there is not enough time to make a well-informed decision while you're still under the influence of medication or hormones. It helps to write these things out on your "birth plan" so you can remember them. If you've never given birth before, you can't really know what effect the birthing experience will have on you-you might be exhausted, forgetful, confused or again, under the influence of drugs from the hospital. I am not going to try to influence you either way-this is a very personal choice, and really none of my business. Nor is it anyone else's business, and when you have your first child, now is a good time to start explaining to others that your choices for your child, are yours. Your child will not be harmed either way-barring the few accidents that can happen with any surgery. Trust me, he will not remember it many years later as a repressed memory-there are the rare few who will resent you for it, either way, but that sort of person is usually glued together by "resentments", so by the time he's older, you will have developed a thicker skin for being "blamed". You can't fix personality.
FATHERS AND CHILD BIRTH
A BOY AND HIS DOG (PREMATURE PETTAGE)
I have seen many cases of expectant fathers getting a puppy for the child to play with, while Mommy is still pregnant. I am not going to deny a man his right to his paternal instincts; however, when you are both exhausted and she is still in pain shortly following the birth of the child, and Daddy returns to work soon after, this leaves Mommy with a puppy and a child to train. It is overly exhausting and unfair. Save puppies for when your child can truly enjoy the puppy, and not hurt it, at around five or six years old. At this age, a child can be trained to not rush the dog or do any other thing that might trigger a biting incident. Everyone gets to enjoy the relationship, rather than having it be a burdensome or dangerous affair.
NEVER leave an animal alone with a child-one of them is going to cause a problem, and a dog with a strong bite ability can kill a child, through no fault of its own-it's just a dog being a dog, who believes your child is also a dog just like himself. All dogs have a "prey drive"-some have it stronger than others, but all dogs are predators, and if you know your dog has an extra strong prey drive, it doesn't belong anywhere near your family. Period.
It is your job to keep everyone, child and dog, safe. I know of a family that didn't understand it needed to protect an older dog from the baby-and now they wonder why the dog snarls and snaps at the child whenever she is near, after Doggy has experienced being mauled repeatedly by the child and no one has corrected the child. As a responsible parent and pet owner, you must keep at least two to three feet of space between pet and child at all times, at least until you are sure the child knows not to hurt the animal and the animal has learned to trust you to protect him. They are both relying on your common sense, since you are the Pack Leader.
These are our general dog rules: dogs are never allowed to growl inside the home. Growling is a warning of aggression, and not allowed when the dog is inside the house. I am, in my dog's mind, his pack leader, so he has to do what I say. Aggression toward me or anyone in my home is absolutely forbidden. Dogs can tell the difference between a bad person attacking you and someone who is your friend-because they can read your reactions accurately. If your dog attacks anyone, dog must go away. No questions asked.
I never allow my dog to chase the children. This is only a funny game, with rowdiness and squealing children, until the dog is twice the kid's size in less than six months, and Dog still believes (because YOU have allowed him to) that it is okay to chase the kids and nip at them. Unfortunately,once that puppy is a dog, the dog has much more physical and bite strength, and the dog causes real damage or kills a child. The dog doesn't know the difference-he's the dog, and you let him do that before. They recognize the children as part of their pack, but they assume, because they think with the mind of a DOG, that the child can take the same type of activity that the dog can. Which is not so.
Toddlers can accidentally fall on the dog while learning to walk, or pull doggy's ears or tail, causing the dog to bite the child out of pain. We all react to sharp pain in the same way-so don't expect a dog to be more highly intelligent or tolerant than people are. It's a dog.
We have a home that is happily populated by two cats and an old German Shepherd mix dog. I know for a fact that the dog, despite her amiable grandmotherly demeanor, would love to rid our home of at least one of our cats, but she never even goes near the cat to do so. It is forbidden, and they are watched when they are together to keep everyone alive and well. This takes work, and attentiveness, which is why I recommend no dogs when baby is small-no one has the energy to take care of all of those things very well.
CATS AND CHILDREN
I believe it was Mark Twain who said, (and I paraphrase here) that cats are good pets for children because they teach them about boundaries. I agree whole heartedly. The nice thing about cats is that they usually avoid the baby at all costs. It is not safe for pregnant women to change the litter box due to the possibility of passing toxoplasmosis on to the baby, so if you have a cat that goes potty just anywhere (misses the litter box) kitty has to live elsewhere at least until the baby is born.
Cats do not steal a baby's breath, nor do they sleep on a baby's face. Cats, if you know them at all, are way too jumpy to be anywhere a crying and unpredictable baby would be.
However, claws are another story. When my eldest boys were toddlers, I had a cat with a very strong prey drive. He would leap out at the boys when they were toddling around, and latch onto their backs with all four paws. This was a big cat, too. So, kitty had to go live elsewhere. Cat Scratch Fever is a real disease that makes people very ill. Luckily, my sons did not get sick from the cat, and they were not traumatized by the experience, so all is well. I did not blame the cat-it was just a cat being a cat, and some animals are "liveable" and some aren't. But remember, cats and dogs alike are predators, and occasionally will forget their "house manners". It's your job to keep damage to a minimum.
FATHERS AND DELIVERY
When a father cuts the umbilical cord bonding Mother and Child, it is more than a utilitarian gesture-it is also a deeply symbolic gesture, because this is another function of Fatherhood-to keep enough space between Mother and Son so that Mom easily remembers always that she is Hubby's Lover Girl and not the property of The Boy. A weak father and a mother who feels she must fill in the gap, and the boy is then forced into being the property of the mother until the end of her days. Fostering an appropriate Mother/Son relationship is an important part of fathering, which allows the boy to have his own life when the time comes. Sad is the boy who has to stay with Mom because she "has no one else". Be a true Mom; love unselfishly.
HERE'S WHERE STUFF GETS REAL-CAUTION, MAY BE TOO GRAPHIC FOR YOU
Sometimes, men who go through the whole birth process (all the doctor visits, etc.) with you will seem to lose interest in sex. A man might start feeling the pressure to perform suddenly as a Real Man, with a job, house, car, etc. and this pressure will sometimes put him off his game for a while. I don't really know for sure, but I suspect, that a man who has seen his child on the Ultrasound might have excessive fears of harming the child or the mother if sex is attempted during the pregnancy. In at least one case I know of, the man confessed that it was extremely difficult to think of having sex with his wife after viewing his child on the ultrasound. If you understand how visual men are, you can imagine therefore what he is thinking. The thought of that sickened him. He had seen his unborn baby on the ultrasound and, like any man, had a very strong image of what lie under the skin of his wife's baby belly.
I sometimes have heard of men refusing sex with their wives after witnessing her giving birth. I think sometimes the Mommy Bond between a man and his mother might make his wife therefore permanently a Mommy in his mind, and therefore sexually off-limits. I'm not a professional sex therapist, so I wouldn't really know. But I think there were fewer of these complaints before all of this machinery and co-birthing stuff occurred. Men just don't see childbirth the same as a woman does. Yes, both of my husbands were present at our children's births, because I believed that if the man could be there at the beginning, he could be there at the end, as well. With the new 3D ultrasound technology, I think things are too graphic for men these days.
A side note to Fathers who are wondering why his wife no longer is interested in intimacy, or at least, not for right now. Women, as much as men, get "performance anxiety". If you think the whole "Shoving An Entire Person Out Of Your Body" thing is freaky from the male point of view, (admit it!) imagine how freaky it is to have had it making you throw up for months, crave things, feeling it move around in your belly, and making you the focal point of any crowd of strangers, especially if Mommy is the shy or anxious type.
Even though she's been to the doctor and that seems normal to you, it is yet another stranger touching her Everywhere. She hasn't gotten to regulate who gets to Touch and who Doesn't, and Where, for about nine months now. Think about that! Add to that, parts of you hurt pretty badly-and they are the parts that Hubby is mostly interested in, at this time. Her body is no longer her own-it has stretch marks, flab, etc. and has done a most miraculous thing that currently is refusing to let you sleep and it's making you work constantly. Then there is that Man asking her to get it naked, so he can have some fun of his own. You don't want your DOCTOR to see you naked, let alone the man that you want to keep attracted to you (and she doesn't want to look at her belly, so she figures you don't want to, either-or that you'll instantly be repulsed by the view). And every time she gets into a lying down position, she instantly goes to sleep, too.
If, as a Husband, you are that interested, have the baby go to Grandma's for a couple of days-by the second day, (first day is for sleeping ONLY) your wife may be more interested in being intimate. Just let her know how much you love her, and marvel at the wonderful thing the two of you have together. Never make comments about how her body has changed, if you ever want to see her naked again. Just love her a lot-a woman who feels loved is a lover.
(By the third day, she will KILL anyone who is between her and her baby. Just so you know!)
NOTE TO THE LADIES
Your husband doesn't care how you look. I know you just want to have your own personal body back, and get to regulate once again who gets to touch it and who doesn't, but have some pity for the poor guy. Touching matters a lot to him. Allow him to say one or two dumb things (you know he will-he's A)a Man and B)he's tired, too. Forgive and forget. But try to understand. He just wants YOU, like he did a year ago when you all got started on this project.
WHEN BABY COMES HOME
CARING FOR YOUR BABY BOY
As with any infant, your baby will cry. He will want to be picked up. I picked up my babies every time they cried, unless I was so irritated that to pick them up would have been dangerous for both of us-and I will tell you, you will never Love or Hate anyone as much as you will your own child-and it will take your breath away in either case. You will have times you feel like an awful parent-join the club-and times when you feel you just got a rotten kid-again, welcome to the club. You will, of course, NEVER pick up your child when you are very very angry, sleep deprived and bent toward violence. You will NEVER leave your baby with someone who doesn't understand the above rule. You WILL cultivate friends who understand-couples, singles with kids, grandmas, WHATEVER it takes to keep baby and you alive and well. This is your "support system" and you will return the favor when necessary.
Studies have shown that babies that get picked up often have a lot more neural pathways to their brains-making their brains more functional. I don't know, but I have raised four boys and all test well on IQ tests. The first three were raised in a low-income neighborhood because we were low-income, and my eldest trained himself to do computer programming. Against the statistics, my two eldest graduated high school and have never been in trouble with the law nor have they had any girlfriends with surprise pregnancies. Not saying that's all in the "picking up a crying baby" but there might be something to that, after all. I know, older people and the inexperienced will tell you "let that baby cry!" but they aren't there at night when the baby won't stop crying and the only cure is to pick him up. In fact, is it just me, or does it seem like it's a lot easier to raise a child when you don't actually own one?
BABIES AND THE BIG OL' WORLD
When you take Baby out for a visit, take only one diaper, one bottle, and one outfit, until the child is at least two, two and a half. Especially with tiny infants, any visit that lasts longer than one of those three items is being out far too long. The length of time it takes to use up any one of these items gets longer as the child ages, naturally. At first, though, Mommy and Daddy might be so excited at getting to go out for a while that the temptation to stay out longer than one of these items is really strong, but New Parents especially are more tired than they realize. Baby is hearing new sounds, smelling new smells, and being exposed to things they might not be able to process, and even if Baby appears to be asleep, he or she is still somewhat absorbing all of this new info-which will, after a long exposure, make Baby very irritable and hard to put to bed once you get home, when you are finally realizing how very, very, tired you are. Screaming baby and very exhausted parents are not the best combination. Be gentle with yourselves (and your friends) and go home earlier than you planned. You're the Big People now; act like it!
STUFF YOU SHOULDN'T DO WITH A BABY-REALLY
You should not take baby out to homes where you barely know the people and ask them to babysit nor should you dump the baby on them so you can play a video game or run an errand. Are You Serious? Parents have to plan better than that-if you need time off, call a friend. Trade babysitting time. I have been on the receiving end of "baby dumping" and it is really irritating, but mostly it makes you hurt for the child-because his parents are being very careless with his tender little life, and are giving everyone involved the impression that you really wish you didn't have a child-this DOES things to a child's mind. none of which are positive. You'll get Child Protective Services called on you, eventually.
You should not take baby out after eight o'clock unless you are having a medical emergency. My husband, my older sons' stepfather, instantly instituted BEDTIME when we got married. At first, I thought, "Who the Hell does He think He IS?" but, the common sense of it all soon sank in as he and I enjoyed a quiet hour or two before we had to go to bed ourselves. The boys rarely went right to sleep, but as long as they were in their room, we were okay with that. They could do whatever they wanted, and since there are no electronic items in their rooms, they usually got bored and went to sleep. (My husband and I have been together more than twenty years, so something must have paid off.)
The same goes for naps. We all need one. Parents deserve an hour "off" every afternoon. We've worked hard for it. Your child will also appreciate the temporary separation, even if they fuss about it. You know, your child gets just as tired of You as you do of your child. It really is mutual.
So, how many of us have been "treated" to the screaming child who is obviously extremely tired, in the grocery store, restaurant or theater? And some parents take to punishing the child-when it is the parent who has pushed the child beyond all human endurance! When a child is tired, the over-stimulating environments adults expose them to is just overwhelming. If your child is tired, sick or has a hard time with shutting out stimulating images, keep them at home. It's not fair to you, your child, or innocent bystanders to have to try to deal with your child's freak out. It really does embarrass the child, eventually.
I tend to believe the trend toward "child free" restaurants and other venues was, in fact, advocated by older parents who just want a peaceful night out without their kids or other people's kids screaming in their ears.
If you are out in public, your child should not be allowed more than four feet away from you, ever, or at least until they are five or six, and can tell which adults can take them somewhere else and which ones cannot. I am reminded of the story of one of my nieces, aged three at the time, who was completely stark naked, walking down the street with a neighbor lady regaling said lady with stories about how shy she was. (She had escaped the house during naptime.) Children don't know a stranger.
Even though I have kids of my own, I no more want your child all over me any more than I would want a stranger's dog all over me. I know--children and dogs are two different things-but personal space is personal space. The child who learns to respect others respects their parents and siblings, too. A child who learns they have to respect no one will be calling you from jail someday. It is also an interesting phenomenon to note: people who have unruly children also tend to have unruly dogs, and vice versa. A well-trained child is welcome everywhere-and this makes for an adult, in the future, who feels at home on the Earth. He Can Do Anything Because He Is Welcomed Everywhere!
BABIES AND DISCIPLINE
A baby should never be physically punished or disciplined. A tiny baby cannot be spoiled, and he is not bossing you around with his crying. It's his only form of communication, so respect that. Your taking care of him is the only form of communication from you that he can understand. They don't yet understand your words, just your tone and the "vibe" they are getting from you. The more agitated you are, the higher the pitch of your voice, the more you bounce them in your arms, the more they will scream. You're scaring them-stop it! Their comprehension of right and wrong won't develop for several years, and we are told, the male brain doesn't complete this part of its development until around the age of twenty-four. Be very patient with your sons!
A single swat on the backside ONLY after the age of five and ONLY for extreme cases is more than enough if you have formed a good bond with your child. My mother only swatted me once-I had gotten into her medicine and could have been harmed. I have spanked some of my kids and not spanked some of my kids, and they turned out pretty much the same. I developed, over time, The Look (everyone knows what that is) and that works just as well. An understanding of parents as "The Boss" plus strong communication plus repetition equals a good kid.
FATHERS AND BOYS
I have heard too many mothers complain about the lack of interest from the father in the child, and I have witnessed these same mothers earlier chasing Daddy off of his own child, or acting like she was the only one who knew what to do with the child, never giving Daddy the chance to learn, just as she had to. Daddy will make mistakes. Correct him gently if you know better, and the love will flow and will make him a better man who loves you like no other. Treat him like he is an unwanted, unneeded appendage who is just a dolt (or the phrase that makes me cringe, "The Sperm Donor"-wow, wouldn't you just LOVE to be stuck with a woman like that?) and he will fulfill all of these things. You catch more flies with honey!
WHAT'S A FATHER TO DO?
This brings us to the role of fathers. You might or might not have had a father, yourself. If not, this is what fathers DO. They protect and provide for a family, are the Head of the family (what can it hurt to let him believe this?) and they provide stability for a family, if you have a Good Daddy.
MOMMY PLUS DADDY
Most importantly, as Mommy, you will encourage Daddy to pick up baby whenever he can-this bonds the two of them deeply. At first, full of Mommy hormones, you won't like Your Baby being held even by his own father-but trust me, this is what you really want, because they will know each other very well by the time you absolutely have to get out of the house in a month or so, and Daddy is in sole charge of the baby. Even if baby is sleeping when Daddy gets home, Baby will go back to sleep, I promise. This bond makes Daddy have a lot more respect for you than he otherwise might; the two of you become "two-gether" as you compare notes on Baby Dear, and you are making a friend out of your husband to help you both as the years go by. Baby will eventually leave home, and you will want your husband to still know who you are by then. The seeds of that are being planted now.
SINGLE PARENTS AND BOYS
THE CO-PARENTING RELATIONSHIP
If you have, for whatever reason, decided to not continue your relationship with your child's father, understand this-whatever the father does with his own life after you've broken up is none of your business. This is the same rule for the men as well-whatever your child's mother chooses to do with her life after you break up with her is none of your business. It is only your business if it is genuinely harmful to the child's well-being. I highly recommend rasing children in a two-parent home-children need that safety net and stability. If you can be mature about it, I also think you should stay "for the sake of the kids". It is just more financially advantageous for the children, and they didn't ask to be born. So they definitely did not ask to be poverty stricken, either. With children, you absolutely must think of someone besides yourself. You gave up that choice when you decided to create them. It's only eighteen years or so. If we lived in a world where children were taught tolerance at home, by watching their parents get along despite their differences, maybe we would have peace on earth. We'd at least have kids who have learned better negotiating skills-it's a start!
GROUND RULES FOR SINGLE MOMS
You, as the Mother, will try to do these things for your child's father. You may not treat him like The Enemy. You once loved him enough to procreate, so cool your jets. You can not become a Man Hater (even young boys "feel" this hostility from the Mommy-and it will do him No Good during his formative years. You don't want him to feel like he needs to live up to a standard opposite of his father anymore than you would want to be constantly compared to Barbie, even if it might be favorably. Let the boy BE who he IS.) You can not fight with his father in front of him. You can not fight with his father (Seriously, if you've broken up, what are you fighting about? You've rid yourself of the problem, get over it! ) You must allow his father be in his life, no matter how you personally feel about the man. (Let the child form his own opinion-he will respect you a LOT more later on for this, because it shows deep respect for your child.) There are a few cases where children should not be alone with their father, but these are not common. You are not "winning" by robbing your child of his natural ties that he might want to have, or having your child fed only "your side" of the story. This happened to a man I know, and when he found out "the rest of the story", he lost such respect for his mother that it ended their relationship. Boys take lies VERY seriously. Your ex was never meant to be YOUR daddy, so don't act like an abandoned child.
I have been a single mom; I KNOW it is not easy to let "That Man" take off with your precious babies for even a few hours, but bite the bullet, be gracious, and have a good few hours of "me time". Try not to resent his taking them to McDonald's when he never took any of you while you were together; "Disney Dads" (those guys who take the kids out Somewhere every time he has them) end up regretting that when the cash is low and the children have developed expensive tastes. Let him learn his own lessons. Try not to resent that he gets away with taking them to eat at his mother's house, or feeding them PB and J's for breakfast, lunch and dinner for a solid week. (or only mustard sandwiches for a weekend. It's past history, now. They survived.) What they do when they are together, barring actual physical harm, is none of your business. If you wanted a "say-so" you would have worked it out instead of giving up. (And that goes for when either one of you have a date or significant other, as well). Develop your other interests now; you'll need to have a life when your babies are grown and start leading their own lives-it's not your child's place to provide you with a life. They have their own to live. God Forbid your child is your only source of hope or income. Training schools are available everywhere, so that you can stand on your own two feet. Take advantage of them.
SINGLE PARENTS AND OTHER RELATIONSHIPS
If you are a single parent, and you live with your parents or even your former relationship's parents, you should preserve their right to be whatever their relationship says they are. For example, when my older boys were little, I had to live with my mother. I also had to go to school. At first, I was angry that my mother did not discipline the boys as I would have liked-in fact, she spoiled them rotten. Then, thank God, logic set in. "Just Because" I married badly, "Just Because" I decided to end that relationship, "Just Because" we had to live at Grandma's, didn't mean that I could also end HER relationship to them, and how unfair would that have been on my part? So, she continued to spoil them rotten; they did pick up bad behaviors from this, which I (gently) corrected, even as she continued to sort of encourage them, but you know what? They remember their Grandma as Grandma-a Saint of a Woman who was not nearly as crazy or irritable as their own mother, and in their own way, they have thanked me for letting this relationship go on as it should have. "Just Because" you have to live with the consequences of your choices, don't punish your children for that. It isn't their fault. Let them have what is due to them.
You should also let Grandparents establish their own boundaries with your child. Some grandparents act like they've never had children and become ultra-fussy, or if they have a poor relationship with your spouse (or ex) some will be mean and childish toward the children. Some Grandparents are just plain mean to kids. You will then have to establish your boundaries with them. Never allow children to be abused, no matter how much you WISH your parents or in-laws would love the children. If your kids are not appreciated by the Grandparents (verbal, physical or mental abuse, not just "not spoiling" your kids) either reduce the amount of time they have with them, or don't take them there at all. Kids are never worse off for not being abused. Children, though, are more comfortable and better off when they know and respect the boundaries of others, and their boundaries are respected, as well. Children also need elderly people in their lives-in boys, especially, it breeds a kinder, gentler heart.
DATING WHILE PARENTING
I have been a single mom, and I married while my three eldest sons were still in the pre-adolescent stage. I married a man who, while he had siblings, did not have any children of his own. Yes, it was very difficult. No one loves your children at first like you do. Dr. Laura Schlessinger has some very excellent points about that, and I have often wished I had followed her advice and just stayed single while my boys were small. However, I did not know this stuff at the time, so I remarried.
We made a good family, and my sons learned to tolerate this stranger in their midst, eventually. It took a lot of work, but it hs been worth it.
As a single mom or dad, there are a few guidelines to acknowledge. First of all, don't take your children to adult parties or adult venues. It's not a proper atmosphere for the kids, and the adults can't relax with your kids around. The kids feel unwelcomed and just act up, anyway.
Secondly, don't introduce them to every person you meet. Let someone know before you date them that you have kids, but don't do introductions until you are thinking of getting very serious. Don't freak out if the kids don't like the person, unless they have very serious issues with the person-we all know, single moms especially, that we can become vulnerable to sexual predators just because we need help with the kids and a guy can seem so nice-and they know, a woman always wants to look to a man for guidance or stability or attention-it may be sexist, but it's true. Always be aware-predators seem so nice because they're not going to get any prey any other way. Take the guy around your friends, first-ones who aren't looking through your Love Blinders will let you know what they think-and if they raise suspicions, Listen To Them. All hunters wear camouflage!
If someone you like says, "It's me or your kids" of course you will choose your children-that goes without saying. Obviously, you have misjudged this person and are much better off without them. They want everything you love out of your life so they can be the center of your existence. Welcome to Hell.
Third, no "living together" or "slumber parties". I have heard the horror of adults recalling that as children, they had to live with their mom's boyfriend or even worse, got introduced to the boyfriend at the breakfast table. Your kids don't want to be anywhere near your sexuality. It freaks them out. They also don't like living with your boyfriend because it is HIS territory, and for boys, who are born territorial, it never feels like their home. If you're going to bother to uproot everyone just to live together, you might as well get married. Marriage is safer for everyone, with the legal rights of all protected, such as guardianship if you and your children get injured and the only one to make decisions for the family is the step parent-this can become sticky if the other biological parent is not agreeable to the relationship and you have not established guardianship. It's even worse if you are the long-standing boyfriend or girlfriend of the parent-and the other biological parent has every right to prevent you from seeing the kids in the hospital. These things really do happen.
Remarriage goes better if the parents have not forged a pseudo-partnership relationship with the children. If you've been left by your man, your son cannot become "the man of the house." He is just a boy, and since he is a boy, you will not listen to what his opinion is, nor is he able to protect or provide, so therefore, he is still just a boy. Yes, you can rely on your child to get some of the dinner started or whatever, but the intimate parts of a relationship, such as finances or adult worries are not to be shared with the children. Ever.
You will have to re-organize your relationship with your children should you meet an acceptable adult to be in a relationship with-you will naturally grow a bit more distant with your children to fit your partner into the intimacy space of your life, but it pays off in the long run. Boys, especially, try to take over the leadership position naturally when there is no father, and he will probably really resent having to leave his "post" in favor of a man he didn't get to choose. He might even be startled by having to respect this man's boundaries and rules-so be it. That's life. If you have a good man, eventually this will be good for your son-to have to acquiesce his imagined position in favor of someone else, because now he can resume becoming himself, and growing up to be a man should be a pretty awesome thing to do!
