HOW FAR APART SHOULD WE SPACE OUR CHILDREN?
(Boys and Violence)
Well, the best answer is “about five feet apart”...... okay, if you were looking for the serious answer, that wasn’t it. For many parents, it seems of crucial interest to know how far apart their children should be in age. For some, it seems that they personally were too close in age with their siblings, and so endured many fights which caused problems for their relationship, even in adult years. For others, they think they were too far apart in age from their siblings, creating fighting or even a disconnect in the feelings of “familiness” with their older sibling or siblings. I have the best answer for all of those.
IT.........DOESN’T................MATTER.
Of course, it matters to the mother how far apart siblings are in age. Her body needs several months to completely recover from being pregnant, so a good two years is a nice span, if she can make it that far. The old wives tale is “Nine months in, nine months out.” Some women can, as they say, shell out child after child with no ill effects, giving birth to several “Irish twins” in her life time, with no problem at all. There are others among us who are lucky to have one or two children within a span of five or six years and still survive to tell the tale--but just barely. Each pregnancy for a woman is an individual experience-no two are the same in the same woman, let alone how your mother, aunt, sister or best friend experienced pregnancy. You have to go by what your own body is telling you, with each individual pregnancy.
MEN AND CHILD SPACING
For the men: Yes, childbirth is natural. Yes, women do it all the time, every day, in every country. However, not all women survive childbirth, even though our country does a pretty good job of taking care of pregnant women. I have personally known a woman who died during pregnancy, from an amniotic embolism. I have personally known a woman who died after childbirth from a pulmonary embolism. I live in a modern city with all the modern city amenities, and these things still happened, despite ongoing medical care from good doctors. Pregnancy has always been a risky business and it remains so today. If your wife says she is not feeling well during a pregnancy, make sure she gets medical attention. If she says that something is not right, get her to the doctor SOON. I have a niece who had a seizure during labor and nearly died having her first baby, due to pre-eclampsia. She was young, thin and healthy at the time, so no one suspected it at all. She and the baby both nearly died.
If your wife says she is not ready to have a child, or another child, take her word for it. Pregnancy is tough under the best of conditions, and a woman usually knows her own body and her own tolerance for babies to care for. Women, and this may come as a shock to you men, don’t actually look forward to getting up, changing a baby and having to feed it every day. She loves her baby, but she gets tired, too, so behave accordingly. Help out, even if she is doing the “Don’t Touch My Cub” routine-it is YOUR baby, too. And don’t assume a woman wants to get up in the morning and change poopy pants. If there is anyone out there who looks forward to that, they should be seen by another sort of doctor.Not an OBGYN, if you know what I mean.
Keep in mind, women view time differently than men do. A man wants to get married "Some Day" and have "Some Kids", "Some Time". What you need to realize is that, to a woman, time for all of these things is fleeting. Even if she can attract a viable mate at the age of forty, her childbearing years are pretty much over. Yes, they can do a lot to make you pregnant after menopause, but that means that a woman's ability to chase after toddlers and tolerate teens will be long over with by the time the child reaches that age. If you are a man, you have FOREVER or until you are dead to think about these things. A woman is in a hurry because her body dictates so much more to her. If you are wasting your girlfriend's valuable energetic/good looking/childbearing years with no intent to marry her nor have a family, and she wants children, let her go NOW rather than have her hate you. If she already has a child or two, and you are the "new guy" in her life, realize that she will probably not want her kids seven or ten years apart in age. Get with the program, Buster!
BALDERDASH
There have been many psychotherapists and child behaviorists who have written a lot of talky-talk about spacing of children. They claim that a four or five year old may already have their hooks in the ol’ Momola and resent having a new sibling at that time. Well, so be it. Your child should never be so close to you that he thinks of you as his personal property. That is not good for either one of you. There are those who claim two years is the best spacing, but I have had children eighteen months apart and ten years apart, and they are just going to argue as soon as the little one learns how to yell. Yes, just that soon. About what? Well, anything under the sun will do as argument fodder.
FOR SOME PARENTS, THE BEST NUMBER OF CHILDREN IS “ZERO”
Most true “sibling rivalry” I have witnessed was due to the PARENTS treatment of the children, not the children’s treatment of each other. Some parents favor one child over the other unwittingly, causing competition between the kids, and some are sick and do it on purpose to suit themselves-to make the kids literally fight over them, which is pathetic.
WHAT TO TELL YOUR OLDER KIDS
I am horrified by young parents who tell their other children that there is going to be another baby, if “that is okay” by them. Or they try to “prepare” the older child for the new baby. Such BS-it is not the place of the older child to care if the parents have another baby or not. This is falsely giving authority over the adults’ behavior to a CHILD. Really, who is in charge in that family? I am awaiting the day when a second child is put up for adoption because the parents asked the older child if he or she was okay with a sibling and the child said “NO”. Are You Serious? The matter of fact approach is best, and only when it pertains to the older child. They only need to know Mommy is pregnant when she needs more help or rest. And then, only as a courtesy to them- “because Mommy is pregnant and pregnant ladies need that.” I am big on Because I Said So. At least in parental attitude, if not the actual words.
WOULDN’T THIS BE FUNNY?
Do you ever get into an argument with your spouse and think, “Well, we’re just too close or too far apart in age----that’s the real problem.” Of course not! It’s about privacy, space, territory, stuff, time, etc. The list between grown adults is endless, so between two siblings it is double endlessness. Two eternities’ worth. So, what’s a parent, caught in the middle of sibling issues, to do?
APPROPRIATE BOUNDARIES-NEVER LOUDER THAN “JEOPARDY!”
What I had for my sons, and continue to have, who, despite their current tallness and oldness continue to have arguments, was firm boundary lines. If the arguing disturbs MOM, the arguing must go somewhere else or outside. No, I do not intervene in an attempt to teach how to fight correctly or in the interest of “fairness”. No, I do not care that they are arguing. I DO care, however, about staying out of it. I would no more expect me to intervene in their arguing any more than I would want them involved in an argument between my husband and myself, deciding who is the winner and who is the loser. Which, no matter how “fair” a parent thinks their “solution” may be, is ultimately unfair as Hell. As parents, we lack the “back story” ….... what the issue REALLY is between the two sparring partners, and where it REALLY started.
HOW SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS REALLY GET DESTROYED-NEGATIVE OUTCOMES
I learned this from my own brother when we were growing up. (fifteen years apart, mind you). He would start stuff with me, and then manipulate the situation so that the part of the argument mostly bent in his direction would take place near our mother, so that I appeared to be the aggressor and he appeared to be the “victim”. (Our mother sort of favored him-since when I was ten he was 25 and still whining to Mommy and WINNING) So she made sure I was “fair” to him-when he was an ADULT and I was a CHILD-so, Parents, let your kids fight their own battles, especially with their siblings. You Just Don’t Know What Is Really Going On.
I have only intervened when the battle was clearly unfair-in the case mismatched physical size or wits, obviously that is an unfair and potentially damaging fight. Obviously, no fights occurred with weapons of any sort. And any fight that continued for days got both sparring partners grounded to their room together until they figured it out or someone finally “won”.
FOSTERING SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS-POSITIVE OUTCOMES
In case you are wondering, my sons have a wonderfully close relationship, and they lean on each other in times of trouble or sadness. Can a mother wish for anything better? They still have their differences, and they argue, but that is their business, and it doesn’t take long for them to work it out. On their own.
BOYS AND VIOLENCE
This may come as a shock to some parents, especially Mothers. Your son is a violent creature. Yes, I know, I had to learn that the hard way, too. And boys view violence differently than girls do. Or Mothers. Well, inexperienced mothers, anyway.
MORE THAN JUST TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER
Boys like to use their large muscle groups. A lot. They may fight for stuff, or they may fight because they are bored (boys generally like LOTS of action in their days. ) Boys fight because there are girls around and they are in the “button buck” stage, that annoying pubescent stage wherein they fight with other guys while girls are around, but they just don’t know why, yet. This stage becomes a less-annoying memory when your son enters the “young buck” stage and begins to set a whole new record for being annoying. Trust me on this one.
DETERMINING YOUR SOLDIERS
Boys also fight to determine if someone is a good member of their “posse” (and this was normal behavior before gangs became a problem-boys have always had their “gangs” throughout time, some dangerous, most not) and is a good fighter, to stand by his side in battle. Boys seem to be born slightly paranoid, either believing the world is a dangerous place to face alone, or desperately wishing that was so. Either way, this is the basis for the type of boy fight that stuns an inexperienced mother-one day they are bitter rivals and fight, the next they are the best of friends. Your little man is making his own “posse” to explore the world with. Hopefully, you did not go ballistic and confront the kid or his parents-because that means you have socially castrated your son. Yes, he lives in a different world from yours. Deal.
PICK THE BULLY
There was a teacher fired recently for taking two boys (about ten years old) out of his classroom to “slap it out” when they were continuously creating a disturbance in their class room. Of course, there were many in the community who were deeply disturbed by the potential for “bullying”, and those who were disturbed by the “violence in the classroom” etc, Mitten Suckers one and all. The television interview of one of the boys was hilarious to me, because his eyes were still wide at the memory of it--his bluff had been called, and still the teacher was fired. I call “Unfair”! This was a man, who knows what boys this age are like. There were girls in the classroom, and it was during science class. I am guessing, “button bucks” plus “boredom” equalled “hey, let’s fight a little and make this more interesting. “
TRUE BULLYING
I have a son who has some aggression issues. He loved to tease one of our other sons, who would just then mostly laugh it off. If I heard the unkindness, I would give a gentle word of warning that this was not acceptable, but I figured it would all come out in the wash. One night, our “teaser” said something about his brother loving him despite the teasing, and the “tease-ee” said, very quietly, looking his brother directly in the eye, “No, actually, I truly hate you. “ No, I can’t say what was said after this-I went to bed, but I do know they were up very late that night, and by the next day, they were brothers again. The teasing, for the most part, stopped. (Old habits die hard. Gentle reminders from his brother helped more than anything I ever had to say about anything.)
That works if the two are about the same size and the same age. If they were mis-matched in age, size or wits, I would have had to be more pro-active about the harassment. Since they were similar in all respects, they could solve that one on their own. And if they would have never gotten along again with each other, that would have been fine, too. Sometimes people get “divorced” and as a person who has legally divorced, I can’t tell someone else who they MUST get along with. Not even siblings. It’s None Of My Business.
YOUNG BOYS AND TEASING/BULLYING
When the Teasemonster was little, however, he was aggressive toward his brothers from time to time. Since my eldest is sort of the quiet type, occasionally Tease would have to be grounded off of his brothers, or I would tell him , “Well, I can see the TeaseMonster came out of your room today-I guess he’ll have to go back into your room until Isaac (his real name) can come out of there, instead.” This worked very often-we all have days when our Monster gets up and roams the earth, when we should have just gone back to our beds until our real selves could come out and play.
SOMETIMES FIGHTING IS OKAY
Explain to your young sons when fighting is okay and when it is not. I told all of my sons, as a younger single mom, that fighting was never okay and I did not approve of it. Then I sent them out into the neighborhood to play. Well----------it was about a week before I noticed that they were staying indoors all the time. When I asked why, they said everyone was beating them up outside, even the little girls. It took the little predators outside no more than three days to figure out my sons were not allowed to hit back, so they were what is loosely referred to as “victims”. I was infuriated; I was going to go talk to the other kids’ parents. My sons begged me not to (see aforementioned “socially castrated”). So, the only other alternative was to tell them, no weapons, but do what you gotta do. By the weekend, they had about three new friends and were playing outside. It’s not pretty, but it is the truth among children, in some neighborhoods, unfortunately. If you grew up in civilization, God Bless You. Apparently, I have never lived there.
A few years later, I was dating the man who is now their stepfather. My mother came into the house all upset, saying that the neighbor kid across the alley was throwing rocks at my kids as they played in my mother’s yard. My future hubs said to me, “You just sit tight, and I’ll go see what’s up.” so he went out of the back door, and very quietly observed what was going on. A few minutes later, he came in, laughing, and said, “I hate to be the one to tell you, Momma, but it’s YOUR little angels who are doing the rock tossing!” I was aghast. Actually, I was AGHAST-AGHAST. “MY SONS? ARE YOU SURE?” and my hubs said, “Yes, Mommy, Your Little Darlings!” I was on my way out the door when my hubs said, “Leave it alone; they’re all having fun!” I could not understand how that could possibly be fun, but sure enough, at the end of the day, they were all laughing and having a good time. Both sides. Boys.......Are..........Weird. Be prepared-one day the bully will be the victim, and vice versa, because we all go to one extreme or the other as part of developing into a healthy, middle-of-the-road person. It’s a process, with one day up and the next, down. Give your kid room to develop without labeling him either way.
HOW BOYS REALLY FEEL ABOUT THEIR (MINOR) INJURIES
This was also when I learned that a boy doesn’t want you to kiss his boo-boos nor feel sorry for his “owies”. He wants to show them to you and tell you what a GREAT DAY HE HAD getting them. Grown men are the same way-scars, gouges, eyes/limbs missing-all add up to a GREAT TIME getting them. They want a woman to look on and admire them. So, now when my sons get a bruise or any sort of gash (which seems peculiarly often for males) I just say, “Wow-great work! I’ll bet you had great fun getting that! How’d that happen?” And then I am regaled with the tale of yet another great adventure they’ve had, and what a satisfying day it’s been. Yes, I still think it’s crazy, but that’s how men (and boys) are. I no longer ask questions.
SERIOUS BULLYING
What do you do when your son is being bullied at school? Well, there are several options. For one, all kids get bullied, but some for reasons that can be fixed. Try to figure out what the problem is with your kid-is he lacking in social graces to the point where he annoys others? Or did the other guy’s girl look at your son, and therefore set the other guy off? If it gets to the point where your son is becoming ill or depressed, look into alternatives to schooling-for example, home schooling can help your child to develop in a kinder atmosphere until he matures to the stage where his confidence will carry him, which does eventually happen, in most cases. Sometimes leaving school is best, sometimes switching schools is best, sometimes confronting the boy through school authorties is best, but tread carefully. A predatory kid will act like everything is okay, then really hurt your kid when he gets the chance. Don’t leave your child’s safety or mental/emotional health to chance. Boys don’t like to complain, especially to mothers. This might be a good one for Dad to handle, actually. If your child has no resident Dad, and the school doesn’t seem to want to take care of the problem, take it to the police department. When people start to see you are dead serious about the issue, they will take notice. YOU might then take some heat, but your son is too precious to leave to the wolves. Since boys see most of the issues in life as black or white (they don’t dabble in the gray area like girls tend to) this can be life-threatening-some boys don’t mind killing, and some boys will see suicide as a completely do-able thing, with little thought about the consequences either way.
MEN, WOMEN, AND VIOLENCE
Young men who have been spurned find it easy to contemplate killing the girl they claim they are in love with. This seems very far-out in a woman or girl’s mind-we might think of that ourselves, but then toss the idea away as silly or not dwell on it. Boys.......Dwell. They think they have lost EVERYTHING FOR EVER when their girl leaves them. (and to be fair, usually the girl leaves BECAUSE the guy is unhinged and doesn’t handle emotions well. It just gets really noticeable after he blows up her house, kills her, sets her pets on fire, whatever he does to act out his anger.) I dispute the idea that all spouse abusers witnessed abuse as children-I was in a very abusive relationship at one time myself, and my parents were in love until the day they died, never even raising voices at each other. Since I thought all relationships were like this, I did not realize mine was becoming abusive until I was trapped. Thank God for my parents, who not only housed me (eventually) but made sure I went no where alone for a long period of time. Boys, with their delicate and newfound sense of “manliness” take quite a few years to figure out exactly what it means to be “a man” and they sometimes make big mistakes along the way. For some reason, seventeen seems to be the crazy year, when even the most stable young man loses his mind temporarily. It is good for parents to keep their son in communication with them, even if he doesn’t seem to like it and claims you are intruding. If he has recently been broken up with, and is turtling in his room, invite a couple of his guy friends over to have a friendly chat. Teens and young men take these things very hard. Since most think, these days, with their emotions instead of their brains, things can get out of hand very quickly. I used to joke that I didn’t like it when a man was in touch with his feelings, because it usually involves an AK-47 and innocent bystanders, which isn’t a very funny joke anymore because of several incidents around America which involved just that. It isn’t because guys don’t express their feelings, and therefore can’t express them correctly-it’s because they get overwhelmed and their NATURE is to handle things their own way. I was shocked by my sons one day when they, and their friends, agreed that when guys comfort their friend by telling them, “She isn’t worth it, Man.” that what they mean is, “She isn’t worth killing and getting the chair over, Man.” I could NOT believe this-but when they all agreed it was so, well, I had to take their word for it. Yes, they really go that far in their thinking. Yes, it is scary to think about, but that’s what’s going on in that little brain during a breakup.
WHAT IS THERE TO DO?
Encourage your sons to group date instead of individual dating until they are more emotionally stable, and can handle a break up. Explain that everyone gets broken up with, or most people do, and life goes on. Sympathize if he gets dumped, but don’t pry. Invite his friends over, instead. Listen when he wants to talk, and above all, DO NOT DISPARAGE HIS EX. Boys, for whatever reason, get very upset if you do this, and chances are, she’ll end up being the mother of your grandchildren, so don’t jinx yourself. Stay out of that territory. Make sure your son understands that you understand how deeply this has hurt him, but that you are confident that things will work out. (even if you most certainly are not). Don’t say you told him so, or that you knew she was a bad choice from the get-go (jeez, let him have a little pride, will ya? He CAN make a choice without your total input and approval.) Make sure he understands how you feel about domestic violence, and the consequences both legal and at home, if he makes such a poor choice.
Remember, some girls make excellent bullies and will bully a guy, too, so keep your eyes and ears open for this sort of stuff. Let little Missy know, in private, that you will have none of it without legal intervention. One of my sons spurned a girl who then broke out one of our car windows-so don’t always immediately side with the woman in violence issues-sometimes they are the provocateur. Teach your son, no matter how difficult it may be, that it is also okay and sometimes stronger, to just WALK AWAY. No one ever went to prison for that.
(Boys and Violence)
Well, the best answer is “about five feet apart”...... okay, if you were looking for the serious answer, that wasn’t it. For many parents, it seems of crucial interest to know how far apart their children should be in age. For some, it seems that they personally were too close in age with their siblings, and so endured many fights which caused problems for their relationship, even in adult years. For others, they think they were too far apart in age from their siblings, creating fighting or even a disconnect in the feelings of “familiness” with their older sibling or siblings. I have the best answer for all of those.
IT.........DOESN’T................MATTER.
Of course, it matters to the mother how far apart siblings are in age. Her body needs several months to completely recover from being pregnant, so a good two years is a nice span, if she can make it that far. The old wives tale is “Nine months in, nine months out.” Some women can, as they say, shell out child after child with no ill effects, giving birth to several “Irish twins” in her life time, with no problem at all. There are others among us who are lucky to have one or two children within a span of five or six years and still survive to tell the tale--but just barely. Each pregnancy for a woman is an individual experience-no two are the same in the same woman, let alone how your mother, aunt, sister or best friend experienced pregnancy. You have to go by what your own body is telling you, with each individual pregnancy.
MEN AND CHILD SPACING
For the men: Yes, childbirth is natural. Yes, women do it all the time, every day, in every country. However, not all women survive childbirth, even though our country does a pretty good job of taking care of pregnant women. I have personally known a woman who died during pregnancy, from an amniotic embolism. I have personally known a woman who died after childbirth from a pulmonary embolism. I live in a modern city with all the modern city amenities, and these things still happened, despite ongoing medical care from good doctors. Pregnancy has always been a risky business and it remains so today. If your wife says she is not feeling well during a pregnancy, make sure she gets medical attention. If she says that something is not right, get her to the doctor SOON. I have a niece who had a seizure during labor and nearly died having her first baby, due to pre-eclampsia. She was young, thin and healthy at the time, so no one suspected it at all. She and the baby both nearly died.
If your wife says she is not ready to have a child, or another child, take her word for it. Pregnancy is tough under the best of conditions, and a woman usually knows her own body and her own tolerance for babies to care for. Women, and this may come as a shock to you men, don’t actually look forward to getting up, changing a baby and having to feed it every day. She loves her baby, but she gets tired, too, so behave accordingly. Help out, even if she is doing the “Don’t Touch My Cub” routine-it is YOUR baby, too. And don’t assume a woman wants to get up in the morning and change poopy pants. If there is anyone out there who looks forward to that, they should be seen by another sort of doctor.Not an OBGYN, if you know what I mean.
Keep in mind, women view time differently than men do. A man wants to get married "Some Day" and have "Some Kids", "Some Time". What you need to realize is that, to a woman, time for all of these things is fleeting. Even if she can attract a viable mate at the age of forty, her childbearing years are pretty much over. Yes, they can do a lot to make you pregnant after menopause, but that means that a woman's ability to chase after toddlers and tolerate teens will be long over with by the time the child reaches that age. If you are a man, you have FOREVER or until you are dead to think about these things. A woman is in a hurry because her body dictates so much more to her. If you are wasting your girlfriend's valuable energetic/good looking/childbearing years with no intent to marry her nor have a family, and she wants children, let her go NOW rather than have her hate you. If she already has a child or two, and you are the "new guy" in her life, realize that she will probably not want her kids seven or ten years apart in age. Get with the program, Buster!
BALDERDASH
There have been many psychotherapists and child behaviorists who have written a lot of talky-talk about spacing of children. They claim that a four or five year old may already have their hooks in the ol’ Momola and resent having a new sibling at that time. Well, so be it. Your child should never be so close to you that he thinks of you as his personal property. That is not good for either one of you. There are those who claim two years is the best spacing, but I have had children eighteen months apart and ten years apart, and they are just going to argue as soon as the little one learns how to yell. Yes, just that soon. About what? Well, anything under the sun will do as argument fodder.
FOR SOME PARENTS, THE BEST NUMBER OF CHILDREN IS “ZERO”
Most true “sibling rivalry” I have witnessed was due to the PARENTS treatment of the children, not the children’s treatment of each other. Some parents favor one child over the other unwittingly, causing competition between the kids, and some are sick and do it on purpose to suit themselves-to make the kids literally fight over them, which is pathetic.
WHAT TO TELL YOUR OLDER KIDS
I am horrified by young parents who tell their other children that there is going to be another baby, if “that is okay” by them. Or they try to “prepare” the older child for the new baby. Such BS-it is not the place of the older child to care if the parents have another baby or not. This is falsely giving authority over the adults’ behavior to a CHILD. Really, who is in charge in that family? I am awaiting the day when a second child is put up for adoption because the parents asked the older child if he or she was okay with a sibling and the child said “NO”. Are You Serious? The matter of fact approach is best, and only when it pertains to the older child. They only need to know Mommy is pregnant when she needs more help or rest. And then, only as a courtesy to them- “because Mommy is pregnant and pregnant ladies need that.” I am big on Because I Said So. At least in parental attitude, if not the actual words.
WOULDN’T THIS BE FUNNY?
Do you ever get into an argument with your spouse and think, “Well, we’re just too close or too far apart in age----that’s the real problem.” Of course not! It’s about privacy, space, territory, stuff, time, etc. The list between grown adults is endless, so between two siblings it is double endlessness. Two eternities’ worth. So, what’s a parent, caught in the middle of sibling issues, to do?
APPROPRIATE BOUNDARIES-NEVER LOUDER THAN “JEOPARDY!”
What I had for my sons, and continue to have, who, despite their current tallness and oldness continue to have arguments, was firm boundary lines. If the arguing disturbs MOM, the arguing must go somewhere else or outside. No, I do not intervene in an attempt to teach how to fight correctly or in the interest of “fairness”. No, I do not care that they are arguing. I DO care, however, about staying out of it. I would no more expect me to intervene in their arguing any more than I would want them involved in an argument between my husband and myself, deciding who is the winner and who is the loser. Which, no matter how “fair” a parent thinks their “solution” may be, is ultimately unfair as Hell. As parents, we lack the “back story” ….... what the issue REALLY is between the two sparring partners, and where it REALLY started.
HOW SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS REALLY GET DESTROYED-NEGATIVE OUTCOMES
I learned this from my own brother when we were growing up. (fifteen years apart, mind you). He would start stuff with me, and then manipulate the situation so that the part of the argument mostly bent in his direction would take place near our mother, so that I appeared to be the aggressor and he appeared to be the “victim”. (Our mother sort of favored him-since when I was ten he was 25 and still whining to Mommy and WINNING) So she made sure I was “fair” to him-when he was an ADULT and I was a CHILD-so, Parents, let your kids fight their own battles, especially with their siblings. You Just Don’t Know What Is Really Going On.
I have only intervened when the battle was clearly unfair-in the case mismatched physical size or wits, obviously that is an unfair and potentially damaging fight. Obviously, no fights occurred with weapons of any sort. And any fight that continued for days got both sparring partners grounded to their room together until they figured it out or someone finally “won”.
FOSTERING SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS-POSITIVE OUTCOMES
In case you are wondering, my sons have a wonderfully close relationship, and they lean on each other in times of trouble or sadness. Can a mother wish for anything better? They still have their differences, and they argue, but that is their business, and it doesn’t take long for them to work it out. On their own.
BOYS AND VIOLENCE
This may come as a shock to some parents, especially Mothers. Your son is a violent creature. Yes, I know, I had to learn that the hard way, too. And boys view violence differently than girls do. Or Mothers. Well, inexperienced mothers, anyway.
MORE THAN JUST TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER
Boys like to use their large muscle groups. A lot. They may fight for stuff, or they may fight because they are bored (boys generally like LOTS of action in their days. ) Boys fight because there are girls around and they are in the “button buck” stage, that annoying pubescent stage wherein they fight with other guys while girls are around, but they just don’t know why, yet. This stage becomes a less-annoying memory when your son enters the “young buck” stage and begins to set a whole new record for being annoying. Trust me on this one.
DETERMINING YOUR SOLDIERS
Boys also fight to determine if someone is a good member of their “posse” (and this was normal behavior before gangs became a problem-boys have always had their “gangs” throughout time, some dangerous, most not) and is a good fighter, to stand by his side in battle. Boys seem to be born slightly paranoid, either believing the world is a dangerous place to face alone, or desperately wishing that was so. Either way, this is the basis for the type of boy fight that stuns an inexperienced mother-one day they are bitter rivals and fight, the next they are the best of friends. Your little man is making his own “posse” to explore the world with. Hopefully, you did not go ballistic and confront the kid or his parents-because that means you have socially castrated your son. Yes, he lives in a different world from yours. Deal.
PICK THE BULLY
There was a teacher fired recently for taking two boys (about ten years old) out of his classroom to “slap it out” when they were continuously creating a disturbance in their class room. Of course, there were many in the community who were deeply disturbed by the potential for “bullying”, and those who were disturbed by the “violence in the classroom” etc, Mitten Suckers one and all. The television interview of one of the boys was hilarious to me, because his eyes were still wide at the memory of it--his bluff had been called, and still the teacher was fired. I call “Unfair”! This was a man, who knows what boys this age are like. There were girls in the classroom, and it was during science class. I am guessing, “button bucks” plus “boredom” equalled “hey, let’s fight a little and make this more interesting. “
TRUE BULLYING
I have a son who has some aggression issues. He loved to tease one of our other sons, who would just then mostly laugh it off. If I heard the unkindness, I would give a gentle word of warning that this was not acceptable, but I figured it would all come out in the wash. One night, our “teaser” said something about his brother loving him despite the teasing, and the “tease-ee” said, very quietly, looking his brother directly in the eye, “No, actually, I truly hate you. “ No, I can’t say what was said after this-I went to bed, but I do know they were up very late that night, and by the next day, they were brothers again. The teasing, for the most part, stopped. (Old habits die hard. Gentle reminders from his brother helped more than anything I ever had to say about anything.)
That works if the two are about the same size and the same age. If they were mis-matched in age, size or wits, I would have had to be more pro-active about the harassment. Since they were similar in all respects, they could solve that one on their own. And if they would have never gotten along again with each other, that would have been fine, too. Sometimes people get “divorced” and as a person who has legally divorced, I can’t tell someone else who they MUST get along with. Not even siblings. It’s None Of My Business.
YOUNG BOYS AND TEASING/BULLYING
When the Teasemonster was little, however, he was aggressive toward his brothers from time to time. Since my eldest is sort of the quiet type, occasionally Tease would have to be grounded off of his brothers, or I would tell him , “Well, I can see the TeaseMonster came out of your room today-I guess he’ll have to go back into your room until Isaac (his real name) can come out of there, instead.” This worked very often-we all have days when our Monster gets up and roams the earth, when we should have just gone back to our beds until our real selves could come out and play.
SOMETIMES FIGHTING IS OKAY
Explain to your young sons when fighting is okay and when it is not. I told all of my sons, as a younger single mom, that fighting was never okay and I did not approve of it. Then I sent them out into the neighborhood to play. Well----------it was about a week before I noticed that they were staying indoors all the time. When I asked why, they said everyone was beating them up outside, even the little girls. It took the little predators outside no more than three days to figure out my sons were not allowed to hit back, so they were what is loosely referred to as “victims”. I was infuriated; I was going to go talk to the other kids’ parents. My sons begged me not to (see aforementioned “socially castrated”). So, the only other alternative was to tell them, no weapons, but do what you gotta do. By the weekend, they had about three new friends and were playing outside. It’s not pretty, but it is the truth among children, in some neighborhoods, unfortunately. If you grew up in civilization, God Bless You. Apparently, I have never lived there.
A few years later, I was dating the man who is now their stepfather. My mother came into the house all upset, saying that the neighbor kid across the alley was throwing rocks at my kids as they played in my mother’s yard. My future hubs said to me, “You just sit tight, and I’ll go see what’s up.” so he went out of the back door, and very quietly observed what was going on. A few minutes later, he came in, laughing, and said, “I hate to be the one to tell you, Momma, but it’s YOUR little angels who are doing the rock tossing!” I was aghast. Actually, I was AGHAST-AGHAST. “MY SONS? ARE YOU SURE?” and my hubs said, “Yes, Mommy, Your Little Darlings!” I was on my way out the door when my hubs said, “Leave it alone; they’re all having fun!” I could not understand how that could possibly be fun, but sure enough, at the end of the day, they were all laughing and having a good time. Both sides. Boys.......Are..........Weird. Be prepared-one day the bully will be the victim, and vice versa, because we all go to one extreme or the other as part of developing into a healthy, middle-of-the-road person. It’s a process, with one day up and the next, down. Give your kid room to develop without labeling him either way.
HOW BOYS REALLY FEEL ABOUT THEIR (MINOR) INJURIES
This was also when I learned that a boy doesn’t want you to kiss his boo-boos nor feel sorry for his “owies”. He wants to show them to you and tell you what a GREAT DAY HE HAD getting them. Grown men are the same way-scars, gouges, eyes/limbs missing-all add up to a GREAT TIME getting them. They want a woman to look on and admire them. So, now when my sons get a bruise or any sort of gash (which seems peculiarly often for males) I just say, “Wow-great work! I’ll bet you had great fun getting that! How’d that happen?” And then I am regaled with the tale of yet another great adventure they’ve had, and what a satisfying day it’s been. Yes, I still think it’s crazy, but that’s how men (and boys) are. I no longer ask questions.
SERIOUS BULLYING
What do you do when your son is being bullied at school? Well, there are several options. For one, all kids get bullied, but some for reasons that can be fixed. Try to figure out what the problem is with your kid-is he lacking in social graces to the point where he annoys others? Or did the other guy’s girl look at your son, and therefore set the other guy off? If it gets to the point where your son is becoming ill or depressed, look into alternatives to schooling-for example, home schooling can help your child to develop in a kinder atmosphere until he matures to the stage where his confidence will carry him, which does eventually happen, in most cases. Sometimes leaving school is best, sometimes switching schools is best, sometimes confronting the boy through school authorties is best, but tread carefully. A predatory kid will act like everything is okay, then really hurt your kid when he gets the chance. Don’t leave your child’s safety or mental/emotional health to chance. Boys don’t like to complain, especially to mothers. This might be a good one for Dad to handle, actually. If your child has no resident Dad, and the school doesn’t seem to want to take care of the problem, take it to the police department. When people start to see you are dead serious about the issue, they will take notice. YOU might then take some heat, but your son is too precious to leave to the wolves. Since boys see most of the issues in life as black or white (they don’t dabble in the gray area like girls tend to) this can be life-threatening-some boys don’t mind killing, and some boys will see suicide as a completely do-able thing, with little thought about the consequences either way.
MEN, WOMEN, AND VIOLENCE
Young men who have been spurned find it easy to contemplate killing the girl they claim they are in love with. This seems very far-out in a woman or girl’s mind-we might think of that ourselves, but then toss the idea away as silly or not dwell on it. Boys.......Dwell. They think they have lost EVERYTHING FOR EVER when their girl leaves them. (and to be fair, usually the girl leaves BECAUSE the guy is unhinged and doesn’t handle emotions well. It just gets really noticeable after he blows up her house, kills her, sets her pets on fire, whatever he does to act out his anger.) I dispute the idea that all spouse abusers witnessed abuse as children-I was in a very abusive relationship at one time myself, and my parents were in love until the day they died, never even raising voices at each other. Since I thought all relationships were like this, I did not realize mine was becoming abusive until I was trapped. Thank God for my parents, who not only housed me (eventually) but made sure I went no where alone for a long period of time. Boys, with their delicate and newfound sense of “manliness” take quite a few years to figure out exactly what it means to be “a man” and they sometimes make big mistakes along the way. For some reason, seventeen seems to be the crazy year, when even the most stable young man loses his mind temporarily. It is good for parents to keep their son in communication with them, even if he doesn’t seem to like it and claims you are intruding. If he has recently been broken up with, and is turtling in his room, invite a couple of his guy friends over to have a friendly chat. Teens and young men take these things very hard. Since most think, these days, with their emotions instead of their brains, things can get out of hand very quickly. I used to joke that I didn’t like it when a man was in touch with his feelings, because it usually involves an AK-47 and innocent bystanders, which isn’t a very funny joke anymore because of several incidents around America which involved just that. It isn’t because guys don’t express their feelings, and therefore can’t express them correctly-it’s because they get overwhelmed and their NATURE is to handle things their own way. I was shocked by my sons one day when they, and their friends, agreed that when guys comfort their friend by telling them, “She isn’t worth it, Man.” that what they mean is, “She isn’t worth killing and getting the chair over, Man.” I could NOT believe this-but when they all agreed it was so, well, I had to take their word for it. Yes, they really go that far in their thinking. Yes, it is scary to think about, but that’s what’s going on in that little brain during a breakup.
WHAT IS THERE TO DO?
Encourage your sons to group date instead of individual dating until they are more emotionally stable, and can handle a break up. Explain that everyone gets broken up with, or most people do, and life goes on. Sympathize if he gets dumped, but don’t pry. Invite his friends over, instead. Listen when he wants to talk, and above all, DO NOT DISPARAGE HIS EX. Boys, for whatever reason, get very upset if you do this, and chances are, she’ll end up being the mother of your grandchildren, so don’t jinx yourself. Stay out of that territory. Make sure your son understands that you understand how deeply this has hurt him, but that you are confident that things will work out. (even if you most certainly are not). Don’t say you told him so, or that you knew she was a bad choice from the get-go (jeez, let him have a little pride, will ya? He CAN make a choice without your total input and approval.) Make sure he understands how you feel about domestic violence, and the consequences both legal and at home, if he makes such a poor choice.
Remember, some girls make excellent bullies and will bully a guy, too, so keep your eyes and ears open for this sort of stuff. Let little Missy know, in private, that you will have none of it without legal intervention. One of my sons spurned a girl who then broke out one of our car windows-so don’t always immediately side with the woman in violence issues-sometimes they are the provocateur. Teach your son, no matter how difficult it may be, that it is also okay and sometimes stronger, to just WALK AWAY. No one ever went to prison for that.
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