Boys and Education

     Boys are really active learners. They learn best while being able to move about as freely as they want. Therefore, I found that,  for my boys, that public schools are not the best venue for them to be learning in. Being constricted into a seat for hours on end is like a slow death for them, causing boys usually to become very bored, and to behave in ways that are antisocial and unacceptable.

     The male mind is also different. One of these is that the male mind is compartmentalized. That means, they seem to have a series of pigeon holes in their brain, and each significant thing in there is sorted, filed, indexed and put safely away where it won't get mixed up with other information in the other pigeon holes. Girls, on the other hand, have a pile of information that is mixed up with all of the other information, collated and cross-indexed with previous information. Girls form relationships between incoming information and past information much easier than boys do, especially when that information is not directly related to the previous information. Boys eventually catch up with girls on this, but every wife can tell you, men still keep their compartments to a certain extent. For example, they may remember that you like red roses, but can't figure out if you would also like a yellow or pink rose, if they have never specifically asked you that before. To a woman, a rose is a rose, usually, and we're just happy to have a man give us one. This compartmentalization makes it difficult for younger males to follow more than one instruction at a time-a major test failure, by public school standards.

     The male mind also seems to run on a sort of binary system-in fact, I believe that the binary system was invented because it was so like a man's way of thinking. Their general thinking is either Yes or No. For example, if he can't remember if you ONLY like red roses and will be mad if he brings home any other color of rose, he will choose NO roses. Cheaper for him, and no trouble with you. The old saying used to be "If you can't fix it, f... it". This is an example of how the male mind operates. This can make teaching a boy difficult, because new information must at first be related to old information, and he must be able to know what this then can apply to, afterward. It can be exhausting for teacher and student, alike. Public schools rarely have the time to cater to this need.

     This is also why you find abusive husbands killing their wives-"If I can't have her, no one else will." In other words, if I can't fix it, throw it all away and be done with it. It should not even exist. Yes or No. This is yet another reason that teaching reasoning skills, compassion and fostering a boy's healthy sense of self is vitally important.

     The male mind is also focused on the path of least resistance (and energy expenditure). As in the above example, the choice to not buy any rose at all included the notion that there would be less energy expenditure, less spending of cash. Men rarely do anything requiring large amounts of innovation or energy unless they are personally fascinated by it, or a woman is making them do it. Otherwise, they are happy just "being". The best example is the old joke of the man who had a hole in his roof, and wouldn't fix it while the sun was shining because it only was a problem when it was raining. This is exactly how a man thinks. There are those men who try to fix everything and everyone, but you can talk to them for a few minutes-and find the thing driving them is some sort of trauma, where their confused little boy mind was berated for forgetting a detail or not being able to recall a detail-and forced him forever to try to be the best in the herd. It is hard to be a boy. Never forget that. People are relying on you when you are barely able to even formulate your own ideas. There is the constant pressure to know what to do, in every situation, even from an early age. As a direct example of Daddy's manliness, you must do what it takes to appear manly, too. Even if you think it is stupid. Or, in fact, it really is stupid.

     The public education system was historically designed to take immigrant children and mold them into "Americans", with the morals, values, and common knowledge familiar to all other Americans. This system has always been used to experiment with new ideologies and social movements, and input from parents (taxpayers) is not taken seriously at all. No one gets to vote or approve of this, only a school board which might somewhere be benefitting financially from the new material.  The offshoot of public education, the parochial system, was devised in part because American society did not always greet certain immigrants with open arms. For example, in several school districts, Catholic or Irish immigrant children could not attend school in peace, if at all. Its first incarnation, before the nation was totally overtaken by Americans, was the Reservation Schools. Native American children were taken from their parents, forced into European-style clothing and ways, and made to live in boarding schools run usually by the Catholic church. This was the effort to "civilize" children, and it put a permanent break between Native American children and their families, even if the child went back home-they were forever different, and family cultures were destroyed, in the name of "Americanizing" children.  Black children were given poor excuses for schools and education. Children from diverse religious backgrounds found, during the time that prayer was no longer allowed in school, their religious upbringing was being attacked, albeit in a banal and non-aggressive manner. This was supported by the Federal Government. Many religious groups saw fit to make their own school systems-Lutherans, for example, have their own educational systems, as do many other religions. It is still a fact that schools in poorer areas are still not fit for educating children effectively. With the teachers union, it is almost impossible to get a bad teacher fired for lacking performance. Bad results in students are blamed on poor or uneducated parents-which is an all too easy scapegoat for lazy teachers and bad school districts. Parents who choose not to avail themselves of these types of schools can also choose home schooling.

     For my younger sons, I eventually chose homeschooling, learning without pressure. With homeschooling, a boy can move around as he wants; he can sit on the nice soft sofa or the hard study table chair. I do not have to have him sit in a certain place, in a certain way, for him to learn most effectively. For my youngest son, he learned the alphabet song by singing while bouncing a ball. Natural science is best learned by being outdoors and using all of your senses while learning. We can have many deep conversations, molding values and behaviors while learning other subjects as well. We can study our Bible or read The Onion, depending on what we feel like learning that day, and neither is banned by law or common consent. I can monitor what he is learning, and he can learn in peace without worrying whether he fits in, or if good grades will result in his being bullied. No one cares what he's wearing, and he is not being judged three thousand times a day. The best part: when he is tired, or needs to focus on a subject, he can-he is a man in charge of his world.

     For difficult subjects that require focus, my son has one of those Fidget toys, and he "fidgets" while I explain the subject. For women, we think if he is doing something with his hands at the same time as I am teaching, that means he is not paying attention. This is not so-it seems to help file the information inside of his brain far better than sitting quietly and focusing.

     A word about clothing-for publicly educated boys, stylish clothes are even more important for boys than they are for girls-boys being so totally focused on their status in the herd. Parents must monitor them especially closely, because a boy's clothes can indicate everything about them including gang affiliation. The boy's endless desire to be the "biggest" or "most" can make them do stupid things, so know your gang stuff and listen if someone else tells you your boy is headed the wrong way. Ultimately, he is doing what he does because he wants to be important.

     It is important, too, in the compartmented male mind, to make sure they have school clothes and home clothes. When you get them fully socialized to think this way, they will be more prepared for learning with their learning clothes on, and ready to relax with their home clothes on. This is true also for homeschooled kids-you really can't learn in your jammies all day, unless you are doing research on how to take naps all day long. You really have to change clothing and put on your shoes in order to have your brain prepared for learning. You will note, if you have ever worked in an office with "Casual Fridays" that people really don't accomplish a lot on those days, nor are their "business manners" apparent. They are often clowning days, flirting days, but not really "business" days.  That is how compartmentalized the male mind is.

     Boys in general have an odd sort of way of learning. When they have really been learning for a half hour or so, they need at least another half hour off of learning to sort out and "file" the new learning in their heads. This is the case whether your boy is super-smart or of average intelligence. The male mind seems to have a need to compartmentalize new information, to bounce it off of old information, and to store it where his mind can retrieve it later. In our homeschool, we have a half hour of learning, and then another half hour of resting, if the learning has been intense. That way, a boy can effectively retain what he has learned, and figure out how to use it later. I am convinced that a lot of problems boys have in schools is based on their being unable to move around or rest as they need to. In the older grades, students are forced to run from class to class under time pressure, and for most schools, there is no rest period or breaks for them during the day, unless it is study hall-again, in a room that has to be quiet and students are unable to move around freely. The schools say they are preparing students for work, but in most jobs, you are allowed a break twice a day, legally. It seems like children are being more prepared for slave labor than modern day jobs!

     People worry excessively before starting homeschooling about how their children will be "socialized" without a classroom full of kids to socialize with. First of all, ask yourself how many people you socialize with throughout all of your days-I'll bet it's not many! Then, ask yourself who your child socializes with outside of school-probably not that many, either. Children are first socialized at home-if you talk to your child, your child is socialized. If you have a friend or relative to talk to your child, your child is socialized. If you have neighbors, your child is socialized. I believe the contempt modern children have for elderly and handicapped people comes directly from the children being exposed only to people of their own age group every single day of their lives. They might gain some socialization from being on sports teams, but then they are still only with their own group, are actually pitted against another group, and are only exposed to one adult as coach. I don't feel the team sports kids have any better social skills than a child who has been home-raised. The worst case for student athletes is that they develop a bit of an ego problem, which turns others far away from them. I don't feel, at the end of the day, that a room full of fourteen year olds is exactly what another fourteen year old really needs in order to become fully mature adults. They need a variety of interaction, a lot of that with a sensible adult to guide them until they can guide themselves. For teen-age interaction, in this era of Facebook, cell phones and XBox, there is litte worry that your child will grow up as a social freak!

     Children who are publicly educated also have problems with authority. This is a direct fault of the public education system. Children who have seven or eight authorith figures every day soon learn to disrespect authority-because they easily learn to get around each and every one of those figures-since they are never going to all be on the exact same page with each other every day. One authority figure is far more intimidating and controlling. Unfortunately, the public schools are up to police officers walking the halls, when what is needed is less authority, not more. But then people would be fired, so the union can't have that....

     I eventually sent two of my partially homeschooled boys back into the school system for high school. Almost immediately, they forgot they were there for the learning, and went right into socialization exclusively, because there were WOMEN available all of a sudden. I didn't want to send mine into public school, but there were classes and sports that they were interested in. In my area, schools are told they must allow homeschooled students to enroll in sports or whatever, but the individual schools themselves, publicly funded by taxpayers (and homeschoolers pay taxes, too) generally refuse to allow kids to participate-even if the parents have paid for the uniforms and everything. This divorce between home educators and the public system indicates someone is maybe threatened by home educators-we certainly hold no ill will against the public school system, we merely want our kids taught for the most part in our own way, and certain sports are only available in the public school system. Yet, the school system chooses to yank the kids in between like it's got bad visitation rights-and it doesn't operate in the best interests of the child. It would be nice if they could form a more co-operative relationship with parents, but it seems to be becoming more and more antagonistic every day. Fortunately, in homeschool-dense areas, homeschoolers are being given more and more opportunities, by the formation of sports teams, clubs and groups, if your child is interested. Child Psychologist John Rosemond advocates against team sports for kids, because he believes it is actually detrimental to the family-with all that financial sacrifice and road time, little is left for the family to use as a unit. I have to say, I agree with him. Remember, your kids belong to you! Family is the most important team your child will ever be on-because he's going to have to know how to run one himself, some day.

    Another reason why I homeschool (and, believe me, there are many) is because my older sons were discouraged from working harder or reading ahead of the rest of the class in school. Since I am tired of America's apparent complacency and acceptance of mediocracy, I wanted mine to feel free to achieve as they saw fit. I have actually been sent letters home from teachers asking me to not allow my sons to multiply by twelves, since they were only working on the tens. REALLY? Even if they wanted to? Insisted on it, in fact? The school cannot help but try to force everyone onto the same page-they are attempting to churn out a mass-produced product, after all. But when a boy has to write a citizenship packet for pointing out a fact that a teacher overlooked-well, that isn't about citizenship, it's about a teacher's ego. Not in the best interest of a child, at all. (I specifically was not allowed to know what the Citizenship packet was about, either. I asked, and was told it was none of my busness. I guess I'm just his mom, after all.)

     If you cannot homeschool, or you just don't want to, focus on your son's major issues with school (ages eleven and younger) and try to help them work their issues out while doing some sort of physical activity. After age 12, a boy should be able to manage his own school work-boys tend to be disorganized, so when they are younger, you will need to teach them how to organize their work. After age 12, theyare going to have to work some of these things out on their own. If they do not ask for your help with their homework, do not offer. Even if the teacher sends notes home-if it is a chronic problem, ask the child what the issue is. If he says there isn't one, take it for what it is. It really isn't your problem. If you have to talk to the teacher, take the boy with you, and refer all comments back to him-you've already been through school, it's his baby, now. You cannot sit by his side in the classroom, hold his head straight up during class, force his ears to hear, his brain to understand, put the pencil in his hand and force him to write correctly. You have to make him understand that you are there to help (by guiding him to the materials he will need to get his information from, NEVER from doing it for him!) and that he is wholly and completely responsible for what he produces. Without monetary or other rewards, only the reward that comes with doing what you are expected to do in school, which is to learn. A boy should be introduced to the word "duty" as early as possible, while you model the concept of "duty" for him every day.

     Some boys have a difficult time with reading. For many boys, and this is legend among homeschoolers, they don't even pick up a book for joy reading until about age ten, twelve at the latest. Not all boys will be great readers. My two eldest were reading for fun by age four. My two youngest think books make great weapons, nothing else. Some boys just don't like the process, but mostly they are about activity. So, if you can get him some books on CD, he can put one in his listening devide and listen while he walks or prepares for sleep. You can watch instructional DVD's together, and build projects from them. He will have a larger vocabulary and not sound completely ignorant when he is talking. There are also book downloads for MP3 players, iPods, etc. Our library also has Playaways, which are tiny pre-recorded books that you can put your own ear buds into and listen to a whole book. Most boys like the Internet-oddly, they will often read a book from a computer screen that they would never look at in paper, but-never leave them alone with it, and filter as much as you can. Always know what he is writing and doing on the Internet, and who has his e-mail address as well. In some school systems, teachers are free to contact your child via the Internet. Just make sure the teacher knows you are supervising the content and relationship-just to keep everyone honest. I don't approve of a child interacting with a teacher or other adult in this way, but some schools send homework via e-mail, so that is an issue. I don't think a kid needs to be in contact with anyone more than three years older than himself. And I would be wary if they were in contact with someone more than three years younger than themselves. For example, what would a 14 year old have in common with an 11 year old or a 17 year old? It's just not really necessary, and can become a problem. They need to understand the concept of "seemliness"-that some things appear proper, and some things don't, whether or not something bad is actually going on. You can fight convention all you want, but in our litigious society, hungry for its fifteen minutes of fame, it is risky to not follow certain proprieties and conventions.

     School for boys also presents many other social issues. There is a constant need for young males to want to be the boss of all they survey, and some can find the slightest thing a challenge or affront to their "manliness". This can cause all sorts of problems. The ones who are more agressive "Alphas" can really do a number on the "Betas"-screwing up life in general for all of them. The presence of female persons can encourage "pissing contests"-to the point where others can get really hurt or their property destroyed. This is not an indication of how evil a boy can be-it is a simple example of their biological drive to procreate, and that requires that you be the biggest, baddest buck in the herd. When the herd is numerous, it can really affect a boy-either drive him to become the most obnoxious jackass or the most timid, shy guy in the back of the room. Not reality, and not healthy for either type. Boys run often on an "honor system" and this is not best supported in a multi-student classroom. In fact, boys are often "feminized"-forced to give up everything that makes them proud to be who they are, in order to fit the feminized classroom, where everyone gets along and no one gets up out of their seat, just taking in information like proper little children. This can make a young man totally distance himself from school, education, learning, thinking-and result in the exact opposite effect- just make him into an uneducated animal. He is not going to see the reasonableness of the situation, where his very soul and nature are being touted as "wrong" in every way. He is just going to tune it all out until he can get out. You can't make him into something his very nature is completely against. You will just lose him, and a boy needs to know that his contribution is of great value. That should be what he takes away from whatever system he learns in.